I'm Always Wishing

I always blow out my birthday candles.
I blow eyelashes and dandelions.
I wish on shooting stars falling from the sky.
I make wishes at 11:11 and on every wishbone.

I'm always making wishes. I'm not superstitious at all but I seem to always find a moment or two throughout the day to make a wish. Sometimes they are simple little things like, 'please let this grocery store have my favorite cereal' or big things like 'please let me arrive to my destination safely'. I'm not a religious person at all so this is why I call these wishes and not prayers. I'm not really too sure who I'm wishing to exactly. Perhaps, I'm just throwing it out there into the universe to see what sticks.

Here's what I've been wishing for lately:

1. I wish you sunlight on the gloomiest of days.
2. I wish you a long and lazy morning with breakfast in bed.
3. I wish for you the sound of your families laughter.
4. I wish you a kiss in the moonlight from someone you love.
5. I wish you always get a seat by the window.
6. I wish you patience, because sometimes the world will insist on walking when you want to run.
7. I wish you the abandon to dance badly at weddings.
8. I wish you a good memory, except for grievances.
9. I wish you rainbows and fireworks.
10. I wish that no matter your age, at least once a year you splash in a puddle.
11. I wish that you never fear failure, for doing so makes it hard to succeed.
12. I wish that you're never the last to laugh.
13. I wish you a mountain to climb and the will to do it.
14. I wish you intense passion.
    
15. I wish you the vision that lets you see the good in others and the faults in yourself.
16. I wish that when you're blessed with old age, you have memories to feast on and a mind that's still hungry for more.
17. I wish that no matter how tall you walk, you never look down on others around you.
18. I wish you the strength to face your fears, to recognize them as part of yourself, and still move on.
19. I wish you all the courage you'll ever need in life.
20. I wish that once a year, you ditch work early and go to see a movie in the afternoon or go shopping.
21. I wish you laugh lines, not wrinkles.
22. I wish you the sense to laugh at the world and all it's absurdities, and the wisdom to laugh at yourself before others do.
23. I wish that you see that beauty lies in the shadows as well as in the sun.
24. I wish that you can feel my hand in yours whenever you need it.
25. I wish you a home as welcoming as a mother's embrace.
26. I wish that you would always have one wish left.
    

Dreaming

I was very hesitant to get out of bed this morning. Very rarely do I dream about my parents so when I do, it jolts me. I can't really explain it but it really kicks me in the ass after I wake up from a dream with them in it.

This one was particularly unsettling because of how real parts of it felt. Even now, I can vividly remember what I saw, how my dad's hair smelt, what I touched and what it felt like to wrap my arms around my mother.

Here's a brief summary of what happened:

My sister, Tonya and I were hanging out in San Diego when suddenly we both starting feeling strange things, not exactly sure what, but we both felt the urge to get back to our parents house in Arizona. So, we hopped on a plane and headed to their empty house.

Once we were there, there were strange signs all over the house that someone had been there; suitcases were in a closet, a couple things were in the fridge, the garage door was up, our mom's favorite chair was sitting in the living room, my dad's grill was out back ready to be used, etc...

So, needless to say, we were totally freaked out by all this. Then out of the blue, some of my old high school friends appeared at the house and were acting really odd and seemed to be keeping something from us. At one point, we all got up and went to a restaurant for dinner. Once we were there, everyone was still acting so strange and wouldn't tell me what was going on. Suddenly, Tonya and I were being led into someones apartment and we were told to wait in the living room for something. We waited for what felt like hours but were really only moments.

Then there was a knock at the door and my mom and dad were standing in the doorway with the biggest smiles on their faces. My mom had tears rolling down her cheeks.

Words can't express how I felt. I was euphoric and shocked and exhilarated all at the same time. Tonya and I immediately ran to them and hugged them together. Our dad just kept repeating over and over, "I'm so sorry we left, I'm so sorry we left, I'm so sorry we left".

Now for the intense images I remember; I kissed my dad's cheek and could taste the aftershave he used that morning, his hair smelt oily and fresh and his cologne was light but still there. My mom's embrace felt so warm and her face was soft as she rubbed her nose against mine. She couldn't even get words out because she was crying so much. This is what is so hard, this part felt so real. It just didn't feel like a dream. How could something that felt so real be a dream?

I sort of recall asking them why they left Tonya and I? How could do they do something like this to us? Why did they have to fake their deaths? But I woke up and never got to hear their answers. Then for about an hour, I stayed in bed and tried falling back asleep. I wanted to fall back into that dream with them but of course that never happens. I swear some days, I would much rather stay asleep and pretend they are alive and well than be alive in a world where they don't.

Who knows why I dream about them when I do and why don't I more often. I know it's useless to look for meaning in all that. All I know is that while I do love seeing them and hugging them in my dreams, it makes waking up to my reality all the more harder.