Something to be Grateful For

I found this quote below about a year ago but only today does it really strike me as so true and strangely calming. It comforts me knowing there is great truth behind this quote for me. Perhaps, this is a sign of my healing....

"I have found something new for which to be grateful. It's morbid, but I'm grateful that I will never have to look forward to the deaths of the two people I loved most. I will never again have to deal with low numbers or high numbers on monitors and oxygen tanks or brain scans and radiation and wheelchairs. This holiday, it sucks like hell that I don't have parents, but now there is this gift I'm newly ready to accept- the realization that I was so magically, desperately, ruby-red loved. There's an equisite power in that, like knowing every road. It's enough to last me a few hundred more holidays, behind trees or raw in the wide open. I'm the luckiest free girl in the world."
-Wish I knew where this was from but today I cannot remember at all.

If I remember correctly, the article that I took this quote from was about a woman in her mid-twenties who had recently lost her mother just months after her father had passed away. They had both been very ill with different types of cancer at the end of their lives and she was their primary caretaker. Losing them like that was as difficult as you can imagine but she also found peace as well in the end of it all. They were no longer suffering and she wouldn't have to visit them in hospitals anymore. Everyone's pain had essentially ended. In a sense, she could finally stop hurting and begin grieving and face the healing process.

While, this woman's situation and mine are very different, I can still understand where she is coming from. I will never have to face ever seeing my parents go through an ounce of what this woman did. My parents will never grow old or get sick. I never have to worry about one of them getting Alzeihmers or other awful diseases. They will forever stay the ages that they were when they died. Most importantly, they died together and were at a happy place in their lives and knew that my sister and I were embarking on wonderful things in our lives. Of course, none of this makes losing them any easier but like the woman said in the quote, "I'm grateful that I will never have to look forward to the deaths of the two people I loved most."

I Miss Her Everyday

She was selfless, kind, passionate, loving, creative and warm.

But above all, she was my mother and my friend.

Today, on her birthday, I think of her with nothing but love and wonderful memories. I miss her everyday.


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RIP Mom

November 10, 1949 - October 15, 2007

Days On The Calendar

I haven't posted in a while because I've been busy and haven't been inspired to write. Hopefully, that will change soon. But today I had to write something.

Four years ago today a water heater took my parents' lives.

Correction, the poisonous gas emitted from a water heater took them from my sister, a grandson they never got to meet, other family and friends and me.

It's exhausting to think that I will have to face this day, the anniversary of their deaths with these emotions every year for the rest of my life. There is no escape.

October is on the calendar every year. It's right there between September and November.

I miss my mom and dad every day and wish I could hear their voices, feel their hugs and simply be with them all the time, but today hurts more than all the other days on the calendar. October 15th forces me to relive that actual life-changing day. October 15th magnifies my emotions and the fact that my parents are gone. Four years ago and one day, they were still here but four years from now, they'll still be gone. They'll be gone. Perhaps, I'm still struggling with wrapping my head around that fact.

I always spend October 15th with my sister and we do something together, just the two of us. I can't imagine spending the day any other way than remembering and reflecting. And yes, feeling tremendously sad.

I know that I'll always feel this way, but in time, with a little hope, I will find peace.

Are they signs?

Something really sweet and for the first time not too difficult to handle happened to me this week that made me think of my parents and the possibility of signs.

I had a meeting this morning with a tax accountant at H & R Block and as I was signing my name on one of the last forms, I noticed the watch the accountant was wearing. It was a Mickey Mouse watch very similar to the one that my dad had. In fact, it might have been the exact same watch! He loved this watch and talked about it for months before finally getting it from my sister for Christmas. He even cut out a picture of it from a magazine and put it on his bulletin board in his office. I have never seen anyone wearing it so it certainly surprised me but after that initial shock wore off, all I was left with was a smile.


This alone might have been just a sweet random act but just three hours later something else happened...

As I was leaving the office after my umpteenth job interview this afternoon, the woman interviewing me called out, "I just have to tell you, you smell so wonderful. I don't mean for this to sound strange but you smell like my mother and it's such a comforting, romantic and beautiful scent." I thanked her and then told her that I actually did indeed have my mother's perfume on. She was delighted. Honestly, it took me awhile before I could use my mom's perfume but a few months ago, I was looking at this half-full bottle collecting dust and just started using it one day. Now, I feel instantly comforted whenever I spritz some of her perfume on me so this really touched me immensely to hear her say that.


I'm not sure what I feel about signs and all of that stuff but this definitely felt like more than just a happy coincidence. What do you think? Do you believe in signs?

She Taught Me How to Love

This week's Mama Kat's Writers Workshop writing prompt that I chose was 2) 10 Things my mother taught me.

My mom and I were extremely close. Sometimes I have trouble breathing because I miss her so much. She and my father were taken too soon from this life and I certainly was not finished learning from either of them. Well, are we ever really finished learning from our parents?

Back on my mom's birthday in November, I wrote the following piece and I think it fits perfectly with this week's writing assignment. There may not be 10 exact things that my mother taught me but honestly, I wouldn't be able to pick just 10 things she taught me.


Today would have been my mom's 62nd birthday. My mom, Kathi, was my favorite person in the whole world. If you have been reading my blog for awhile, then I'm sure you know that I talk about her a lot. For those new followers, let me just tell you that my mom was my best friend. It's incredibly difficult going through life without her and I honestly don't know how I've gotten this far without my mom.

I know a lot of daughters don't feel this way about their moms so I know that my relationship with my mom was rare. I wish that I had really sat her down and told her how much that meant to me. For some reason, we didn't have too many serious conversations. I still would like to think that she knew how I felt. I could tell her anything. Seriously, anything. She never judged and never criticized. She just got it. I always felt comfortable divulging intimate details about my personal life to her, well, of course not e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

I've been keeping a journal since my parents died. Lately, I haven't really been writing in it like I should. Well, the week they died, my sister and I made two lists of things that made us think of our mom and dad.

Here is what was on our mom's list: bubble baths, The Temptations, anything easy listening, Twizzlers, scrapbooking, Singapore Slips, beach novels that she would never remember reading but really did, trips to a Tucson, AZ salon(Gadabout), Monopoly (she collected different editions from all over the world), daily trivia, stencil letters, awful singing but she still had fun, Christmas ornaments (we had one from every country we had ever been to on our Christmas tree), she wanted to be a translator for the UN, colorful and sometimes cheap jewelry, diet cherry coke, her amazing chocolate chip cookies, party mix, the best lasagna ever, getting sucked into any and every TV show that I made her watch with me, hugs, painful goodbyes always made her cry, Clementine(a stuffed monkey from Build a Bear), wandering in grocery stores and Target forever, magazines, comfort food, very smart, held hands during takeoff, loved children, reading aloud, movies, teaching stores, colorful pens, surprise presents, happy tears, big red apples, nose kisses, she dyed her hair since I can remember, always willing to do anything to help someone out and she has the power to make you feel like everything was going to be ok. Of course, there's so much more, but that's my list so far.

❤ Above everything else, I learned how to love from my mom. ❤

Thoughts on Moving...

Last night I had an interesting conversation with my sister about the pros and cons of moving. She moved yesterday and of course has mixed feelings about it. Take a look at her sweet and thoughtful post yesterday about the big move. It certainly got me teary eyed.

Sure, there are so many wonderful things about moving to a new place but you certainly can't ignore all the memories left behind at the old residence. Sappy as this may sound, it can be very hard to leave that behind.

Places have such strong emotional attachments for me. As I looked around her house and took one last look at it before I left her house last night, I felt like I was saying goodbye to those memories as well. One very big event took place in that house; my sister's beautiful and intimate wedding was in August 2007. It was the last time my sister saw my parents alive and it was the last time we were altogether. I guess it was the last time I saw my parents happy. They were so happy that day. I'll never forget the dance party we had in the living room after most guests had gone home for the night. I've always felt comfortable and happy being in that living room. I am sure this memory is the reason why. Thankfully, we took plenty of pictures that night.

I dread the day that my sister and I finally sell our parents Summer home in Arizona. Talk about memories! Whew! Ok, enough about that....

When I moved here from Phoenix almost a year ago I was more excited than anything. Not only was I ready for a change of scenery but also a change of life. I was incredibly sad to leave all my wonderful friends in Phoenix but was excited for a whole new batch of LA friends. Living alone was fun but I was looking forward to having two roommates to spend time with. I was definitely over Arizona in general. I had lived there for 6 years and was dying to get out of that hot desert.

A lot of really great things have happened to me all because I moved to Los Angeles. Here are a few things that come to mind:

• I started running. I really don't think that I would have if I had stayed in AZ. I also ran my first event here in LA, the Disneyland Half-Marathon.
  
• I made two new best friends-my wonderful roomies! Ladies, I love ya!
  
• I have traveled a ton thanks to my roommate Gina and her project, Pin-Ups For Vets.
• I've been nannying/babysitting for a few adorable kids that I adore!
• I've spent a ton more time with my family here in So Cal.
• I have been able to meet up with several middle and high school friends here.
• I've reconnected with two high school friends that live here in LA as well.
  
• I've gone to several very cool concerts and a couple Broadway shows.
  
• There have been some neat celeb sightings here.
• I've had a lot of delicious dinners.
• Spending time at the wonderful beach.
• I truly believe that I've become a better driver since moving here.
• I started this blog about my life here! My blogoversary is coming up next month! Yay!
  
• A fancy/awesome job in the music industry-currently working on this one! : )
  
• Being an audience member on Oprah's Favorite Things Episode..Hello?! Need I say more?!
  

Mom

Why does it feel like just when I get over one rough day, another bad one is waiting right around the corner?

Today would have been my mom's 62nd birthday. My mom, Kathi, was my favorite person in the whole world. If you have been reading my blog for awhile, then I'm sure you know that I talk about her a lot. For those new followers, let me just tell you that my mom was my best friend. It's incredibly difficult going through life without her and I honestly don't know how I've gotten this far without my mom.

I know a lot of daughters don't feel this way about their moms so I know that my relationship with my mom was rare. I wish that I had really sat her down and told her how much that meant to me. For some reason, we didn't have too many serious conversations. I still would like to think that she knew how I felt. I could tell her anything. Seriously, anything. She never judged and never criticized. She just got it. I always felt comfortable divulging intimate details about my personal life to her.

I've been keeping a journal since my parents died. Lately, I haven't really been writing in it like I should. Well, the week they died, my sister and I made two lists of things that made us think of our mom and dad.

Here is what was on our mom's list: bubble baths, The Temptations, anything easy listening, Twizzlers, scrapbooking, Singapore Slips, beach novels that she would never remember reading but really did, trips to a Tucson salon(Gadabout), Monopoly (she collected different editions from all over the world), daily trivia, stencil letters, awful singing but she still had fun, Christmas ornaments (we had one from every country we had ever been to on our Christmas tree), she wanted to be a translator for the UN, colorful and sometimes cheap jewelry, diet cherry coke, her amazing chocolate chip cookies, party mix, the best lasagna ever, getting sucked into any and every TV show that I made her watch with me, hugs, painful goodbyes always made her cry, Clementine(a stuffed monkey from Build a Bear), wandering in grocery stores and Target forever, magazines, comfort food, very smart, held hands during takeoff, loved children, reading aloud, movies, teaching stores, colorful pens, surprise presents, happy tears, big red apples, nose kisses, she dyed her hair since I can remember, always willing to do anything to help someone out and she has the power to make you feel like everything was going to be ok.
Of course, there's so much more, but that's my list so far.

Mom, I'll love and miss you forever.
November 10, 1948-October 15, 2007


"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts." ~Washington Irving

Her Scent

My mom owned what seemed like hundreds of shawls and scarves. She usually always had one draped around her shoulders. She hated being cold. She had shawls of every different color and they were from all over the world. This is a picture of a few of my favorites that I have now with me at home.

My sister and I gave away several of them to her fellow teachers in the last school she and my dad taught at. I kept about 15 for myself and I love each and every one of them. For some of them, I even remember exactly which outfit she would wear it with.

I rarely wear them out because I don't want them to lose their smell. Yes, they still smell a little like my mom. It's been three years or more since she wore them and somehow, I can still smell her perfume on most of them. I've even found a few of her little blond hairs in them. It hurts to think that by wearing them, they are becoming more of 'me' and less my mom. I never knew how strong of an emotional connection scent carried with it until after dealing with the loss of my parents. Their scent has such an intense power over me still to this day. I hope that I never forget with they each smelled like.

Yet, it's getting colder now (sort of) and I promised myself that this year, I would wear them out more. They deserve to be worn. I know that my mom would have loved to see me wearing them so I'll do that for her. Perhaps, it will help make me feel closer to her.

Time Travel?

Over a lunch date with two old friends from college this past weekend, we ending up discussing time travel for quite some time. What would be the one thing that we would go back and do over again and why?

Of course, my immediate thought was to go back to right before my parents died and warn them that their water heater was emitting carbon monoxide into their house. I think that for the rest of my life, I'll wish for a time travel machine to go back to that moment.

Now what if you couldn't change anything and it was just to go back in time and re-live it... Hmm, I probably would want to go back to college and just enjoy all those carefree fun days again. My spring break trip to Mexico my sophomore year in college to be exact was amazing. It is seriously one of the best trips of my life so far. I hope some of those friends that were there read my blog so they can see this.
: )

What would you go back to? Would you change anything?

A Learning Disability?!

This week's Mama Kat's writing assignment that I chose is 1.) In what way were you labeled as a child and how did it affect you?

There's no denying it, I am terrible at math. I always have been and I'm sure that I always will be.

There was a time when my parents and teachers didn't understand why I was so awful with numbers. They simply refused to admit that I just wasn't going to grow up to be the next math wizard. Sadly, I was one of those kids who couldn't add or subtract without using my fingers and toes for help. Then, when multiplication was dropped in my lap, it was an even rougher battle. I remember walking around my house chanting out the 6, 7, 8, 9 times tables and it still not sticking in my head. My mom would call out, "One more lap around the house Leah until you know them by heart!" It was torture! And then we got to ugly, ugly division... forget about that! I was a lost cause indeed.

Finally in 7th grade, my teacher asked my parents if I could be tested to see what was really wrong with my skills. My teacher wanted to know what was the root of my problems. I actually overheard this conversation and it tore me a apart. My mom never knew that. I think they all thought I had some kind of a learning disability. The phrase 'learning disability' sounded awful to me and for some reason, it made me think I was dumb. It also made me feel weak and less smart than all my friends. For one a girl who already wore huge glasses and in middle school, that is the worst feeling ever.

So at the time, my dad was kind of obsessed with student learning styles. For example; should you be studying in plenty of light or a dim room, studying in a cold or a hot room, seeing materials as opposed to hearing it explained. Anyway, my dad thought that I should be given all these tests too to see if I've just been studying and working in the wrong environment for my needs. Turns out, not so much. We did learn that I can't just have things told to me, I need to visually see things. I also can't have music or anything else playing in the background when I'm studying. Honestly, though, I knew all this before those tests.

After several weeks of numerous other tests, they finally concluded that basically numbers in general terrify me. Um, I could have certainly told them that without all those lame and scary tests. Ugh, I hated those things. Just knowing that they were 'tests' was enough to freak me out and not perform well on them. The tests also showed that I needed more time than most to complete math tests. I also made sure that my teacher understood that getting up in front of the class to answer math problems on the front board was absolute torture and if I could be excused from that hell from now on. Thankfully, she took mercy on me and I never had to get in front of my math class again. I was also given a little extra time to finish math tests which I was grateful for.

So, I might not have been exactly labeled with a learning disability but just the possibility that everyone thought that I might have one was enough to make me realize that we all have our strengths and weaknesses. Just don't ever ask me to calculate anything for you without my trusty calculator/an hour of your time. : )

3 Years Ago Today

Three years ago today my parents died. For that I will always dread this month and this week in particular. Today is going to be rough.

I've talked about them a lot in my blog but I can't recall if I ever explained what exactly happened to them. I got the call around 1 a.m. They were found in their bedroom in their house in Tunis, Tunisia. After a couple of days of thorough investigation in and around their home, the cause of death was determined to be carbon monoxide poisoning. It was the water heater. I cannot begin to describe what it was like coming face-to-face with that machine. I wanted to tear it from the wall and smash it to pieces.

For those of you that don't know, carbon monoxide is an odorless and colorless gas. Surprisingly, it is the second leading cause of poisoning deaths in the country. Carbon monoxide poisoning claims nearly 500 lives and another 15,000 require emergency room treatment per year.

After they died, I sent emails out to everyone I knew encouraging them to check the detectors in their homes and their families’ homes. I know that many went out immediately and purchased them for themselves and their loved ones. Now, I continue to talk openly about this in hopes of encouraging others to install carbon monoxide detectors in their homes. When I moved to LA, I immediately got one for my house.

More and more lately, I'm starting to really miss being a 'daughter'. I miss saying, "Mom, can you help me with this?" Or "Dad, what do you think I should do?" I simply miss calling out "Mom" and "Dad". I miss hearing my mom talk to me about my dad and referring to him as "Daddy". It was really cute and sweet. I miss that advice that only a parent can give a daughter. I can't help but wonder, am I still a 'daughter'? Does that role still exist for me? I certainly don't feel like it anymore. Perhaps being a sister, an aunt, a niece and a friend should be enough but it just isn't. I just want to be my parents daughter. I want to overhear them talking to people about their 'daughter', Leah. No one says my name or will say my name quite like them.

I know it's only natural but right after they died, I instantly felt younger than I've felt in a very long time. The independent nature that I'd acquired somewhat in college quickly fell away and I found myself longing to be held, to be cared for, to be tucked in at night and to be told that everything was going to be alright. These are all the things that my parents would do for me. Suddenly, I knew that I was never going to feel as protected as they made me feel and that tore me apart.

3 years may seem like a lot of time but honestly, the hole in my heart is still as empty and painful as the day I found out 3 years ago. I doubt that will ever go away. This may sound odd but there is a small part of me that hopes that hole never heals. I don't want to ever get past their deaths. What would that mean if that were to happen one day? I know that when I fall in love and have children, it certainly will be filled but I hope that I'm never 'ok' that they are gone.

I am incredibly grateful to my sister for always being there for me. She is right there with me through the tears, the sad dreams, the phone calls and for sad days like today. We will be spending the day together as we've promised to do from now on. I certainly can't imagine going through it alone.

I don't want this to be a sad post but more of a reminder to you to cherish your loved ones. Cherish your parents. Cherish your siblings. Cherish your friends. Tell each and every one of them how much they mean to you. If I had one more day to spend with my parents, that's all I would do.

Dreaming

I was very hesitant to get out of bed this morning. Very rarely do I dream about my parents so when I do, it jolts me. I can't really explain it but it really kicks me in the ass after I wake up from a dream with them in it.

This one was particularly unsettling because of how real parts of it felt. Even now, I can vividly remember what I saw, how my dad's hair smelt, what I touched and what it felt like to wrap my arms around my mother.

Here's a brief summary of what happened:

My sister, Tonya and I were hanging out in San Diego when suddenly we both starting feeling strange things, not exactly sure what, but we both felt the urge to get back to our parents house in Arizona. So, we hopped on a plane and headed to their empty house.

Once we were there, there were strange signs all over the house that someone had been there; suitcases were in a closet, a couple things were in the fridge, the garage door was up, our mom's favorite chair was sitting in the living room, my dad's grill was out back ready to be used, etc...

So, needless to say, we were totally freaked out by all this. Then out of the blue, some of my old high school friends appeared at the house and were acting really odd and seemed to be keeping something from us. At one point, we all got up and went to a restaurant for dinner. Once we were there, everyone was still acting so strange and wouldn't tell me what was going on. Suddenly, Tonya and I were being led into someones apartment and we were told to wait in the living room for something. We waited for what felt like hours but were really only moments.

Then there was a knock at the door and my mom and dad were standing in the doorway with the biggest smiles on their faces. My mom had tears rolling down her cheeks.

Words can't express how I felt. I was euphoric and shocked and exhilarated all at the same time. Tonya and I immediately ran to them and hugged them together. Our dad just kept repeating over and over, "I'm so sorry we left, I'm so sorry we left, I'm so sorry we left".

Now for the intense images I remember; I kissed my dad's cheek and could taste the aftershave he used that morning, his hair smelt oily and fresh and his cologne was light but still there. My mom's embrace felt so warm and her face was soft as she rubbed her nose against mine. She couldn't even get words out because she was crying so much. This is what is so hard, this part felt so real. It just didn't feel like a dream. How could something that felt so real be a dream?

I sort of recall asking them why they left Tonya and I? How could do they do something like this to us? Why did they have to fake their deaths? But I woke up and never got to hear their answers. Then for about an hour, I stayed in bed and tried falling back asleep. I wanted to fall back into that dream with them but of course that never happens. I swear some days, I would much rather stay asleep and pretend they are alive and well than be alive in a world where they don't.

Who knows why I dream about them when I do and why don't I more often. I know it's useless to look for meaning in all that. All I know is that while I do love seeing them and hugging them in my dreams, it makes waking up to my reality all the more harder.

My Parents 41st Wedding Anniversary

41 years ago today, my parents were married. I miss them everyday but days like today are especially difficult. I can't help but wonder how different my life would be today if they were still alive. I am grateful to everything that I learned from them about life and most importantly, love. I certainly could not have asked for two better role models.

Tasty Tuesday 1

I really had no idea what to blog about today so I am thankful to my sister for introducing me to Alicia's (A Beautiful Mess) and her "Tasty Tuesdays" post today.

I''ve never really been a big fan of recipes. Generally, I would much rather throw a bunch of stuff together in a bowl and see what happens. I love tossing in this spice or that vegetable and tasting it until I am happy with it. Of course if I'm making food for other people then I'll always follow a recipe from one of my many cook books. I want them to be happy with the meal and then if they aren't, I can always blame the recipe! Haha!

I do love that I can now successfully make my mom's delicious chocolate chip and pecan banana bread muffins without referring to the recipe. They are amazing and my roommates have gotten to eat them many times since I moved here.


This week I've really gotten back into making smoothies and I am now vowing to have one a day. Again, I'm not using recipes, I just throw a bunch of fruit and some orange juice in the blender and voila, I have a refreshing and healthy smoothie! I usually put in one banana, a handful of strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, one orange and one pear. Tomorrow I'm going to try putting in slices of apples. Smoothies are certainly a great way to get your daily rush of vitamin C and all the other fruitful nutrients. Yum! I kind of want another one but I had one this morning already.

Wise Words?

Today my sister purchased a book, entitled "The Bounce Back Book" by Karen Salmansohn and it's filled with inspiring phrases like this one; "What goes down often bounces back even higher".

I would really love to believe this phrase is true. However, I can't help but wonder, have I bounced back even higher since my parents died? Am I a stronger, more sympathetic and a more adjusted person today? What have I really learned from their passing? How could I possibly have bounced higher? I don't understand...

I get the idea of all this though.. Supposedly, when we are dealt a seriously bad hand, we should somehow be able to rise from it and become even stronger and happier than we ever were to begin with. In spite of the tragedy, we are able to find something amazing in our lives. I don't know about you.. but before the devastating event in my life, I think I was a pretty strong person and was certainly happy with my life. I mean, I got to live overseas for most of my life and then had an awesome college experience. I had no complaints whatsoever! Sure, perhaps I am closer to a few people now then I might have been otherwise but come on, I didn't need my parents to die for that to happen! I am sure that over time I would have become more independent and less naive about the world. In fact, if I'm totally honest with my blogging friends and myself, I'll tell you that I'm not a better person now than I ever was before they died. I feel like there is a huge chunk of my heart missing. That can't be healthy, right? I am definitely more pessimistic about the world. Sadly, I don't look forward to my future as much as I used to when they were still living. The idea of them being grandparents to my kids sent me into a giddy fit!

In Karen's book, she says " that studies have shown that after distressing times, many good people actually reported rebounding to a higher-than-usual good mood. He attributes this bounce-back-higher effect to people appreciating the good in their life after suffering the bad." Well, I can't argue with that logic. When something awful happens to you, you have no choice but to eventually let it force you to really appreciate all the amazing things in your life. I know that I never take for granted any of those precious moments with my family and friends. And I'm always telling people that I love and miss them.

What about you? Do you really appreciate the people that are most important in your life?

Hot Family Fun in the Summertime

This week I chose the following writing prompt from Mama Kat's writing workshop, "What does summer mean to your family?"

Since we lived overseas, Summers always meant two blissful months back in the good ole' US of A, Tucson Arizona to be exact. This included lots and lots of fabulous shopping excursions to the mall and to our favorite store, TARGET, lots of yummy American meals, numerous theater trips, a few concerts, drives to California, annual doctor visits, baseball games, scrapbooking, many lazy hot afternoons at the pool, BBQ's in our backyard, vegging out in front of the TV and catching up on all the shows we missed during the year. My mom would say that we were playing 'house' during the summer. As teachers, my parents had the summers off to do whatever they heck they wanted, and up until college, I didn't work during the summers either so we were all free to relax and enjoy being back in the states.

Now being in Arizona during the summer, I certainly cannot forget how summer means that it's f-ing hot! I mean, when I say it is hot there in the summer, that really doesn't begin to explain just how hot it is. We are lucky when it's just 100 degrees out because it's usually 110 or higher! Ugh! You could literally fry an egg on the pavement! I don't know how I put up with it for so long... Well, I'll tell you what we did, we cranked up all the air conditioning units in the house, drank plenty of frozen slushy drinks, and spent a lot of time in pools. I am so excited to be spending this summer in my new much COOLER home, Los Angeles.

Of course Summers also meant wonderful reunions with my sister. My sister is 12 years older than me so throughout my middle school and high school years, she was living in the states while we were overseas. I cannot tell you just how excited my parents and I would get on that last flight home knowing Tonya would be at the airport to pick us up. All school year long, we would write letters to each other counting down the days till we would see each other again. Seeing her was definitely the highlight of our summer.

Needless to say, Summers were a very very happy time for us all and I miss having them here this time of year most of all.

Fathers Day

It's Fathers Day. It's one of those days since my parents died that I just dread. I try not to think too much about it but I can't help it. It's hard not be bombarded with reminders everywhere... commercials, fathers day cards, all the facebook statuses, etc... My dad was an amazingly sweet and kind man. He had the biggest heart and was an extremely hard worker.

Sometimes I really hate my dreams. Most of the time they feel like a cruel slap in the face. I know that my subconscious is just messing with me but it still hurts every time I wake up from a dream where they were alive and happy. In last week's mom and dad dream, a random stranger was telling me that I need to stop denying the truth and that they were never coming back. What a jerk. Seriously, did I really need to have a dream like that to understand that. Trust me, I know that very well already. Ugh. But what can you do? I wake up, get out of bed and put the pieces together again and simply go about my day like normal.

I hate the way the smallest and the most random things make me think of my parents and completely break me down. It is so hard to explain what this feels like... it's really like a slap in the face and a knife into my heart. One minute I will be totally fine and not thinking of them at all and then I'll do something or see something that makes me think of them and then it's all over and I am caught up in the grieving process again.

I know that I haven't completed it yet and I doubt that I'll ever be done with it. Nor do I want to be able to ever say that I am done grieving for my parents. I don't want to ever be done feeling that they are truly gone. Will there ever be a moment when I can look at a picture of them and just be content? Will I ever be able to listen to one of their songs and just smile? When will I be able to think of my dad's voice or be able to talk about the intense friendship I had with my mom without tearing up? When will I be ok with this hole in my heart? And tell me, when will I stop feeling guilty for having amazing days? Yes, I still do sometimes. I still find myself checking with myself to make sure it's ok that I'm smiling and laughing and enjoying whatever I'm doing. Something tells me that that will never go away.

Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish every father, past, present and future a wonderful fathers day!

Interior Design

Since I can remember, I've enjoyed rearranging my bedroom. I literally move every piece of furniture from one wall to the other. I love how drastically different I can make the room look. It's also a good time for some serious cleaning. In high school, my mom would always joke that she would come in and say good night to me from one side of the room and then I would be the exact opposite side of the room when she would come in and wake me up in the morning.

In fact for a time in college, I was seriously considering going into interior design or architecture. Unfortunately, there is way too much math in both of those areas for me to handle. I still think about it from to time but I enjoy the music industry much more.

Well, today I moved all the furniture around in my room. I hadn't done that since I first moved in so it felt totally therapeutic. I am happy to report that it looks totally awesome now. I'm not sure if I prefer this set up then what it was like before but it's different, so that's cool for now.

I can't help but wonder why do I enjoy moving my furniture around so much? Do I really like change this much? Can I really not handle things staying the same for too long in my life? Perhaps I'm getting a little too deep, I mean, I am just talking about furniture, but could it be my subconscious talking? Or maybe this is just one of my many hobbies...

In honor of my Mom

My mom really enjoyed baking. I think she just liked making us happy with her goodies. She was such a giver. Her chocolate chip cookies and banana bread were amazing! And we can't forget about her popular Chex mix. All of my friends loved it so much. Man, I would kill for some of that right about now! Seriously, it was incredible! So, today in honor of her, I decided to bake this afternoon. I'm sorry to my roommate and her friend if I was kinda loud in the kitchen with the blender, mixer and banging dishes.

First I made her infamous chocolate chip banana bread muffins. My roommates have come to really enjoy these so I like making them even more for them. I also whipped up an interesting orange and carrot sponge cake. Gina's family brought over a ton of oranges yesterday so I wanted to make something that I could use a few of them in. It turned out surprisingly well actually. It involved several steps so it was pretty fun to make. Not only did I have to steam carrots but I also had to puree them with fresh squeezed orange juice that I had to manually squeeze out. Whew! Then, I had to separate egg whites and egg yolks which I've never tried before. After several failed attempts, I can now do it! I know that my mom would have been impressed.

If you are lucky to live close by, then come on over for a piece!

Mother's Day

This day hurts. It still don't know how to exist in a world where my parents don't and I guess that will never really change. I lost three people the day they died; my mom, my dad and my best friend.

At some point in my life, my mom became my best friend. I'm not sure when exactly but it did happen. I was robbed of so many more memories with my mom. I can't begin to describe the ache I feel inside to not have her around anymore. She and I had a unique bond and there is a large hole in my heart that she used to fill. I could tell her everything and I mean EVERYTHING. She never judged me and always understood where I was coming from. I have this letter that she sent me my freshman year in college and she wrote, "A new teacher at our school asked me yesterday if I really did miss you, and I said of course. She questioned the closeness we have...but I told her you were my best friend too."

Nothing in the world would make me happier than if I could see her right now and spend the day doing things we loved. We would go see a movie, grab lunch, get a manicure and pedicure, go shopping, take a dip in the pool, make dinner together and then spend all night watching Sex and City episodes and talking in between.

Below are the lyrics to the song "Mama" by the Spice Girls. Yes, I know, the Spice Girls.... But I remember playing it for my mom and she got teary eyed. I think that's when I told her that she was truly my best friend. I still can't really hear this song without crying but I love it and think it's a very sweet song.

She used to be my only enemy and never let me free,
Catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be,
Every other day I crossed the line,
I didn't mean to be so bad,
I never thought you would
Become the friend I never had

Back then I didn't know why,
Why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all that you did was love,
Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
My friend

I didn't want to hear it then but
I'm not ashamed to say it now,
Every little thing you said and did was right for me,
I had a lot of time to think about,
About the way I used to be,
Never had a sense of my responsibility.

Back then I didn't know why,
Why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
All that you did was love,
Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend, My friend

But now I'm sure I know why,
Why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
All I can give you is love,
Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
My friend

Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
You're my friend

I'll love and miss you forever Kathi Ruppert Adams.