I Finally Did It!

• I finally did it.

• I've been thinking about doing it for years.

• I've always been too afraid.

• I just never thought I could pull it off, I never thought I had the face or personality for it.

• I think it was a brave and bold move to make.
  

• I couldn't have done it without the support of two new friends and a wonderful old friend.

• I was extremely nervous throughout the entire process.

• It has taken me awhile to get comfortable with it.

• It has forced me to look at other things in my life in this exciting way.

• It fits this time of my life perfectly.

• I love that I did it in Vegas at the lovely Paris Hotel.
  

• Change really can be the best medicine in life.
  

• I'm so happy that I did it.

Have you guessed what it is exactly that I did??

I chopped a lot of my hair off and I'm finally ready for the official blog unveiling!!!
What do you think of it?? I definitely feel like a whole new me now!

PLEASE VOTE!!!

If you have a free second from now until September 15th, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE go vote for my friend, Gina's non-profit, PIN-UPS FOR VETS, at this website: http://lifeopensupproject.com/player.php?q=89.

I've talked about this organization a ton on my blog but if you are a new visitor to my blog, welcome, and check out these earlier posts I wrote for all the info on the incredible PIN-UPS FOR VETS. This is a fun post too, I'm a Celebrity. There's many other posts on my blog about it too so feel free to look around for more information. Of course, you can also simply go to the website too here: PIN-UPS FOR VETS.

This particular contest is with Crest Toothpaste. They are giving the winner a $25,000 grant to help complete her 50 state VA/Military hospital tour plus a chance to be on the Rachel Ray show in Oct/Nov to discuss the project. Needless to say this would be HUGE for the organization and in my opinion, it would certainly take it to the next level. : ) The contest ends on September 15th so please spread the word and VOTE!!

Again, to vote, go to: http://lifeopensupproject.com/player.php?q=89

Project Smile-August

I guess with the end of August means that we should welcome Fall and say goodbye to Summer. : (
However, I can't say that I'm unhappy to move into a new season. For the first time in awhile I'm looking forward to breaking out the sweaters, jackets and all my fun scarves. And who could forget about those fabulous UGG boots I got from Oprah?!

So, the challenge is to find something to smile about every single day of the month. Thanks to Kristi for keeping this going at Live and Love...out Loud.

Here are my smiles for August:

1st- Drinks with a new friend!
2nd- I got about 4 inches cut off my hair and it was exactly what I needed! Change can be so healthy!
3rd- A promising music interview followed by a delicious dinner with old and always lovely friends.
4th- I picked up my nephew from his second day of school and hearing him talk all about his day was about the cutest thing ever!
5th- Had an amazing early breakfast before work. I had a banana nut pancakes! Soooo good!!
6th- I love random nights out where silly random things happen.
7th- I drove to Coronado to visit an old friend who was in town for a few days. Such fun!
8th- Nothing makes me like I really worked out quite like me new workout obsession, spinning classes.
9th- One of my best guy friends is in town for the day.
10th- Nothing like a little time at the beach to calm a busy mind.
11th- A sweet afternoon spent with my nephew.
12th- There really are 24 usuable hours everyday!
13th- A fun night out dancing celebrating a friend's birthday.
14th- Mad Men marathon! Need I say more?
15th- First day at my new music job! Woo hoo!
16th- A welcomed distraction happened.
17th- Got up for a 6AM spinning class- I ROCK!
18th- Long work day = money! : )
19th- A painless drive to Vegas to meet up with my BFF from high school and two other friends.
20th- Nothing makes me happier than yummy drinks by a pool with new and old friends.
21st- Despite an awful drive back to LA, I enjoyed catching up with lots of friends.
22nd- A smile from a stranger really can brighten my day.
23rd- A long productive day from beginning to end!
24th- Here's to learning about a new fun bar that the awesome Drew Barrymore frequents. : ) I'm a dork, I know!
25th- Sometimes having absolutely nothing to do at night is the best thing ever!
26th- I went on an awesome morning run.
27th- Organized and cleaned my room and closet!
28th- Swings. : )
29th- Delicious peanut butter pretzels at work.
30th- Crossing off lots of things on my to-do list!
31st- A day full of laughing. : )

Quotes

Even when I'm feeling my saddest or in one of my most unhappiest of moods, quotes (and my nephew) have the power to cheer me up instantly and inspire me hours later after reading them.

The following is a list of quotes I've been keeping for awhile so I thought it was time to release them now. I'm not sure where I found them and I really wish I knew who said them all....

"She believed she could so she did."

"That little voice in your head that says, GO BUY SHOES, that's the one to listen to."

"Follow your heart. It knows the way."

"Hope for the best. Plan for the worst. Snack in between."

"It’s often the bend in the road that makes life worth the drive."

"See the good all around you, even if you have to squint."

"Let it be."

"I take it one day at a time, but sometimes several of them attack me at once."

"Be yourself. Everybody else is already taken."

"The stuff that wears on the nerves polishes the soul."

"The tide always turns."

"That which does not kill me makes me want to eat a cookie."

"Dream no small dream."

“ 'Seize the day!' does not necessarily have to include the morning part of the day."

"Laugh louder."

"The best way out is always through."

"Never stop being curious."

"When the chips are down, bring on the cheese dip!"

"Faith is hope on fire."

"She listened to her heart and that made all the difference."

"Dreams have no expiration date."

"Through love, through friendship, a heart lives more than one life."

"Some days are hopscotch kind of days, some days are getting-nailed-at-dodgeball kind of days."

and lastly,

"Hang in there. Even the worst weeks have Fridays in them."

Project Smile-July

How is it already August today? Where. Has The. Summer. Gone?! This month more than ever I've had to really understand that I shouldn't take for granted the little things that make me happy each and every day.

The challenge is to find something to smile about every single day of the month. Thanks to Kristi for keeping this going at Live and Love...out Loud.

Here are my smiles for July:

1st- A night to do whatever I wanted.
2nd- For a Saturday it was a very productive day and night.
3rd- Such a busy happy day. I was touched by so much today. : )
4th- Nothing like a great outdoor run to get the 4th of July started. Of course fireworks always make me smile too.
5th- My black staple interview pants were too big!
6th- I took my nephew to a Tumbler class alone and we had so much fun together.
7th- There's nothing like an old fashioned phone conversation that lasts forever and leaves you smiling long after you've said goodbye.
8th- I saw a band that I love live and then I got to meet them after!!
9th- I bought some awesome CHEAP dresses for my upcoming trips later in the month.
10th- Spent a sweet afternoon in LA with my sister and nephew.
11th- I had my first official business calls for my new photo shoot business!
12th- Thank goodness I have a flexible job schedule that I was able to stay home in bed all day because I. WAS. SICK!!
13th- Again, terribly sick, but thanks to my roommate Gina, I went to the doctor and got on antibiotics. Sweet, sweet antibiotics!
14th- All I had to smile about today was because I had The Tudors streaming on my Netflix Instant Queue on my laptop so I watched that all day in bed.
15th- Happy that I was feeling better and still got to go to NY to visit a few dear friends from college!!
16th- Smiling all day because I got to be with my very best friend Tracy!
17th- Beer and bowling with new and old wonderful friends in Brooklyn!
18th- Talk about a reunion day- I got to see three VERY old friends from high school and elementary school in Connecticut and New York!
19th- I had the energy to arrive home from NY and go to the gym!
20th- Long work day with two new fun kids.
21st- A business call that left me more excited for the future then ever.
22nd- An easy and fast drive to Phoenix and reconnecting with all my fabulous Phoenix girlfriends.
23rd- A HUGE party bus picked us up for an awesome Bachelorette party.
24th- I got to spend time with so many people I care about and even a new little baby. : )
25th- Back home and back to work right away!
26th- Outdoor yoga always puts me in a good mood.
27th- 2nd day of my Master Cleanse and I feel amazing. More on this experience in a future post.
28th- A terrible day. I'm grateful to one of my best friends Gina for getting me through it. I am blessed to have her in my life.
29th- I'm thankful for a 2 year old's warm hugs at just the right moment.
30th- There's nothing like an all day distraction to keep your mind off sad things.
31st- A lovely busy day with people I care about.

Like a Brick in your Pocket

A couple weeks ago I flew to New York to visit a few friends from college. The following moment has stuck with me since that trip...

As I got to the top of the escalator landing, I couldn't help but notice a small boy about 5 or 6 years old standing with who I can only presume were his mother and grandmother. His hair was sandy blond and he had on a light blue shirt and jean shorts. Yet his clothes weren't what caught my attention, but rather the large tears falling from his eyes.

His grandmother was kneeling on the floor next to him doing her best to console him. Sadly, she was failing. He continued to sob even harder the more she talked to him. I tried to make eye contact with him and give him my best "cheer up" smile but he wouldn't look in my direction. My heart ached for this little boy. I have been in his position countless times. I remember choking up each and every time I have had to say goodbye to friends, my sister and of course how awful it was saying goodbye to my parents in airports. We have all had to say goodbye to someone special in the airport and in life. I believe that it is the hardest thing a person will endure in their lifetime. If you haven't experience either then consider yourself very fortunate.

Seeing that little boy cry, I was suddenly made aware of my own constant grief and sadness that I feel. For the most part, I do a really good job of pretending that everything is fine and my parents are still happily living overseas. My brain knows this is not true but my heart needs to think this in order to get through my days. This image with the little boy brought to my attention the fact that I'll always feel in my heart just like him. I will always have this sadness and pain deep within me. There's no escaping it. I'm not sure if it will ever go away. I don't even know if I want it to go away altogether.

Several months ago my sister forwarded me the following conversation from the movie, "Rabbit Hole". I think that these lines certainly explain to the outsider what it's like going through life after experiencing an intense loss.

From the 2010 film "Rabbit Hole":

Becca: Does it ever go away?

Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes
though.

Becca: How?

Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into
something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket.
And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and -
there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be awful - not all the time. It's kinda...

[deep breath]

Nat: Not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it
around. And uh... it doesn't go away. Which is...

Becca: Which is what?

Nat: Fine, actually. 

Revelations in a Letter

A friend of mine was and I suppose will for some time be going through a difficult time in her relationship with a guy she was dating for awhile. She has finally come to a place where she knows it's not going to get any better and she has fallen out of love with the person he has sadly become. She read the following letter to me about a week ago and I felt it was so incredibly powerful and raw that I just had to share it on my blog. She did indeed give this letter to him.

Of course, with her permission, here is the letter:

"I miss you. I don't mean the "I am going out of town for the weekend" type miss you. I really miss you. I miss us. I miss the people we used to be. The people that I thought we were becoming. I miss my ace, my number one, my friend.

I can and I will admit that I fell in love with you. The type of wake up in the middle of the night just to smell your scent type of love.

But as time goes on as it always will and new days emerge as do revelations, time has brought us to this place, this moment. Not the most defining but a moment that I have always dreaded but can't push away any longer because it is consuming me and I can't breathe.

I have decided that those people we were, those two strangers who just so happened to hit it off, are not the people we are today and we will never be again. That's okay though. People evolve and adapt and relationships do the same.

I asked myself a thousand times "How can we make it like it used to be?" Oh, I know:

• I can take us to Vegas for a "romantic" weekend
• I can take him on dates to show him that he deserves it just because he is with me
• I can turn my house into a strip club to show him that I am not the person his friends think I am, I am a fun person with a great attitude
• I can give him my body because it has been his since he first touched my little girl (and I am not talking about a kid)

But wait, there are no we's...What is he doing to get us...somewhere, anywhere.

I appreciate the occasional lunch and movie. I love when we can have a conversation about nothing. Lay around and just be. I love that feeling of he misses me when I am out of town because he texts me so.

But I have evolved and I know that what we had is gone and all we have is right here, right now. There is no future for us and you never hint that there ever will be.

You told me that you didn't want to hurt me but I don't understand how you can't see the hurt all over me. The sadness, the anger that you caused but I am always apologizing for.

My back is against a wall and my screams are falling on deaf ears and a heart that belongs to another. There is no compromise. There is no life line. So I ask myself what is it that I am fighting for. The answer is the two strangers who happened to meet each other and hit it off but they no longer exist in this reality. The people I hoped they would be together for as long as they needed to be, wanted to be.

But here we are, right here right now, living in the present with no future holding on to what was and just now accepting what it is. The love I have for you was something I hadn't felt in a long time. There have been others but none I let my guard down for. I was ready for you, I was waiting for you.

I love you and I have to let go. I can't keep fighting for you when you aren't fighting for me. I wanted you with everything inside of me but I am a person in this relationship and I have grown enough to know I need more and I want more and I have to stop settling for less than.

This letter didn't come easy and my heart is breaking with every word. I am so weak when it comes to you but I am strong in faith to know that when you are going through hell you keep going because it will get better.

This is goodbye for now and who knows it may turn into a see you later. My feelings for you can't handle being friends. I am not there nor do I know when I will be."