Something to be Grateful For

I found this quote below about a year ago but only today does it really strike me as so true and strangely calming. It comforts me knowing there is great truth behind this quote for me. Perhaps, this is a sign of my healing....

"I have found something new for which to be grateful. It's morbid, but I'm grateful that I will never have to look forward to the deaths of the two people I loved most. I will never again have to deal with low numbers or high numbers on monitors and oxygen tanks or brain scans and radiation and wheelchairs. This holiday, it sucks like hell that I don't have parents, but now there is this gift I'm newly ready to accept- the realization that I was so magically, desperately, ruby-red loved. There's an equisite power in that, like knowing every road. It's enough to last me a few hundred more holidays, behind trees or raw in the wide open. I'm the luckiest free girl in the world."
-Wish I knew where this was from but today I cannot remember at all.

If I remember correctly, the article that I took this quote from was about a woman in her mid-twenties who had recently lost her mother just months after her father had passed away. They had both been very ill with different types of cancer at the end of their lives and she was their primary caretaker. Losing them like that was as difficult as you can imagine but she also found peace as well in the end of it all. They were no longer suffering and she wouldn't have to visit them in hospitals anymore. Everyone's pain had essentially ended. In a sense, she could finally stop hurting and begin grieving and face the healing process.

While, this woman's situation and mine are very different, I can still understand where she is coming from. I will never have to face ever seeing my parents go through an ounce of what this woman did. My parents will never grow old or get sick. I never have to worry about one of them getting Alzeihmers or other awful diseases. They will forever stay the ages that they were when they died. Most importantly, they died together and were at a happy place in their lives and knew that my sister and I were embarking on wonderful things in our lives. Of course, none of this makes losing them any easier but like the woman said in the quote, "I'm grateful that I will never have to look forward to the deaths of the two people I loved most."

I Miss Her Everyday

She was selfless, kind, passionate, loving, creative and warm.

But above all, she was my mother and my friend.

Today, on her birthday, I think of her with nothing but love and wonderful memories. I miss her everyday.


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RIP Mom

November 10, 1949 - October 15, 2007

Days On The Calendar

I haven't posted in a while because I've been busy and haven't been inspired to write. Hopefully, that will change soon. But today I had to write something.

Four years ago today a water heater took my parents' lives.

Correction, the poisonous gas emitted from a water heater took them from my sister, a grandson they never got to meet, other family and friends and me.

It's exhausting to think that I will have to face this day, the anniversary of their deaths with these emotions every year for the rest of my life. There is no escape.

October is on the calendar every year. It's right there between September and November.

I miss my mom and dad every day and wish I could hear their voices, feel their hugs and simply be with them all the time, but today hurts more than all the other days on the calendar. October 15th forces me to relive that actual life-changing day. October 15th magnifies my emotions and the fact that my parents are gone. Four years ago and one day, they were still here but four years from now, they'll still be gone. They'll be gone. Perhaps, I'm still struggling with wrapping my head around that fact.

I always spend October 15th with my sister and we do something together, just the two of us. I can't imagine spending the day any other way than remembering and reflecting. And yes, feeling tremendously sad.

I know that I'll always feel this way, but in time, with a little hope, I will find peace.

Like a Brick in your Pocket

A couple weeks ago I flew to New York to visit a few friends from college. The following moment has stuck with me since that trip...

As I got to the top of the escalator landing, I couldn't help but notice a small boy about 5 or 6 years old standing with who I can only presume were his mother and grandmother. His hair was sandy blond and he had on a light blue shirt and jean shorts. Yet his clothes weren't what caught my attention, but rather the large tears falling from his eyes.

His grandmother was kneeling on the floor next to him doing her best to console him. Sadly, she was failing. He continued to sob even harder the more she talked to him. I tried to make eye contact with him and give him my best "cheer up" smile but he wouldn't look in my direction. My heart ached for this little boy. I have been in his position countless times. I remember choking up each and every time I have had to say goodbye to friends, my sister and of course how awful it was saying goodbye to my parents in airports. We have all had to say goodbye to someone special in the airport and in life. I believe that it is the hardest thing a person will endure in their lifetime. If you haven't experience either then consider yourself very fortunate.

Seeing that little boy cry, I was suddenly made aware of my own constant grief and sadness that I feel. For the most part, I do a really good job of pretending that everything is fine and my parents are still happily living overseas. My brain knows this is not true but my heart needs to think this in order to get through my days. This image with the little boy brought to my attention the fact that I'll always feel in my heart just like him. I will always have this sadness and pain deep within me. There's no escaping it. I'm not sure if it will ever go away. I don't even know if I want it to go away altogether.

Several months ago my sister forwarded me the following conversation from the movie, "Rabbit Hole". I think that these lines certainly explain to the outsider what it's like going through life after experiencing an intense loss.

From the 2010 film "Rabbit Hole":

Becca: Does it ever go away?

Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes
though.

Becca: How?

Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into
something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket.
And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and -
there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be awful - not all the time. It's kinda...

[deep breath]

Nat: Not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it
around. And uh... it doesn't go away. Which is...

Becca: Which is what?

Nat: Fine, actually. 

The Call I'll Never Forget

"She got the call today. One out of the gray. And when the smoke cleared it took her breath away. She said she didn't believe this could happen to me. Guess we're all one phone call from our knees". -Mat Kearney

This week's Mama Kat's writing prompt that I chose was "A phone call you won't forget".

"Wait, what?! You want me to call her and tell her?! I...How? I can't do this....Tell her?.. Oh my God." This is what I said to the director of my parents school when he asked me to call my sister and tell her the devastating news that our parents had died but the cause of death was unknown. How the f**k was I going to do that? I didn't even understand it myself, how could I possibly explain it to her?

It was a Sunday night or rather 2AM on Monday morning. I just had a very fun and exciting first weekend living in Phoenix, Arizona. Two close college girlfriends had driven down from Tucson, to spend the weekend with me. Two long nights out in the Phoenix club scene ensued. Coupled with plenty of cocktails and not enough sleep, I was exhausted and ready for Monday. I had an exciting job interview at 10AM and was psyched to begin my new Phoenix adventure. Having just graduated from college, I felt more than ready to start this new chapter of my life. Little did I know that that very same weekend across the world in North Africa, my parents had died. It's an intense sentence. I still can't believe the words that come out of my mouth.

When the phone rang that awful night, I'll never forget the awful sinking feeling I had in the pit of my stomach. When I looked at my phone light up, I instantly knew it was an overseas call and I had a feeling it was from Tunisia, where my parents were living at the time. I quickly answered the call that was to be my worst nightmare. It was Patrick, the director of my parents school in Tunis. He proceeded to very calmly and rationally tell me that my parents had just been found in their home and they were "gone". Yes, "gone" was his word of choice.

Needless to say, I don't really remember much else about this conversation. All I knew is that he had my sister's wrong number so I was given the nearly impossible responsibility of breaking the news to her.

I had to call her.

My world was quickly plummeting to the ground. Now I had to be the one to change my sister, Tonya's world forever too.

After I hung up the phone, I mentally prepared myself to call Tonya. But I didn't want to be alone...ever again. I frantically picked up a Kleenex box off my kitchen table, my cell phone, a pad of paper, a pen and my keys. I walked out the door of my apartment building to my friend Tracy and Lindsey's apartment which was thankfully just down the hallway. Tracy was and still is my dear friend and I needed her at that moment. I'm not sure how I got there but I finally did. I banged on their front door. They answered it together and I'm sure they could tell by my flushed cheeks and disheveled appearance that something was very wrong. "My parents are gone.. I can't do this... What am I going to do now? They think my parents are dead," I managed to blubber out. The girls instantly started crying and asking me questions I didn't have the answers to yet. "I have to call Tonya and Todd now." Tracy asked if I wanted her to call them for me. I said no, I had to be the one to do it.

So, the three of us sat together on their living room couch, with me in the middle with their arms wrapped around me. I slowly breathed in and out a few times and thought of Tonya asleep in bed next to her husband of only three short months still happy and content in that world where I was too up until 20 minutes ago. I hated having to grab her from that wonderful world. But I had to.

There was certainly a part of me that couldn't handle being alone with this information any longer. I needed her. I needed my sister.

I dialed Tonya's number. She didn't answer. I called her husband Todd's cell phone. He answered. "Hi Todd. I'm sorry it's so late." He said, "That's OK Leah. What's wrong?" "Todd, I don't know how to say this... Something has happened. I need you and Tonya to both listen to me." I took a deep breath and fought back the tears. I took Tracy's hand with my free hand and held on tightly. "Mom and Dad have died. The director of their school just called me. They don't know anything..." I could hear the tears forming in Tonya and Todd's voices. I felt a small sense of relief. It was done, they knew. I wasn't alone anymore. I told them to call Patrick. He was expecting their call and would try answering their questions. Tonya said that she would call me back with more information. Before hanging up, she asked me to stay with Tracy and that she loved me very much. We were both hoping this wasn't true and that a massive misunderstanding had just happened. All I knew is that she would call Tunis and figure everything out. Our questions would soon be answered, at least some of them.

Hearing the news that my parents had died will always remain the worst moment of my life, but definitely the hardest thing that I've ever had to do was making that phone call and sharing this news with my sister and brother in-law. I hope she feels like I did as good of a job as anyone could do under the circumstances. I sometimes wonder if she would have rather heard it from someone else. I worry that whenever I call her, she is nervous that I'm calling to give her bad news. Would I have preferred to have heard this from her? I'm not really sure. A sad phone call is a sad phone call no matter who does the calling. If anything I wish that I could have somehow spared Tonya this new world without our parents just as she wishes she could have spared me from it.

13 Different Houses Built Me

This week's Mama Kat's writing prompt that I chose to write about is: The house that built me.

Before moving to Arizona for college I lived in roughly 13 houses in 7 different countries!

To most people, this sounds totally crazy, but not to me. I can't imagine my life any other way. It's literally impossible for me to imagine growing up in one house my whole life. That just wasn't how I was raised. Somehow I got used to moving. It was fairly normal for us to move to a different house that had better electricity, better plumbing, less cockroaches, and really less problems in general. In the last country I lived in, Myanmar, we moved a whopping 4 times in my 6 years there.

I always knew in the back of my mind that my parents teaching contracts in these countries wouldn't last forever and I was prepared to make the move. It was simply part of this life. Of course, saying goodbye to my friends was always difficult and dramatic but we promised to keep in touch. It is because of this that I'm good at staying connected to my friends now. Facebook and email definitely make that a whole lot easier. I still do enjoy snail mail though. My parents would always make promises of a new and exciting country, a great new school to attend and a brand new batch of neat friends to make. Of course, this would all came true. : )

So, honestly, I didn't have ONE house that built me but many houses throughout my childhood that helped shape the person I am today. I remember bits and pieces from just about all the 13 houses. Oh wow, I just had an epiphany mid-post, I think the reason that I like moving the furniture around in my bedroom so much is because of this nomadic lifestyle that I had growing up. Does that make sense? When I move the furniture around, it becomes a whole new room. How interesting that I just now figured this out....

These houses really did build me.

Are they signs?

Something really sweet and for the first time not too difficult to handle happened to me this week that made me think of my parents and the possibility of signs.

I had a meeting this morning with a tax accountant at H & R Block and as I was signing my name on one of the last forms, I noticed the watch the accountant was wearing. It was a Mickey Mouse watch very similar to the one that my dad had. In fact, it might have been the exact same watch! He loved this watch and talked about it for months before finally getting it from my sister for Christmas. He even cut out a picture of it from a magazine and put it on his bulletin board in his office. I have never seen anyone wearing it so it certainly surprised me but after that initial shock wore off, all I was left with was a smile.


This alone might have been just a sweet random act but just three hours later something else happened...

As I was leaving the office after my umpteenth job interview this afternoon, the woman interviewing me called out, "I just have to tell you, you smell so wonderful. I don't mean for this to sound strange but you smell like my mother and it's such a comforting, romantic and beautiful scent." I thanked her and then told her that I actually did indeed have my mother's perfume on. She was delighted. Honestly, it took me awhile before I could use my mom's perfume but a few months ago, I was looking at this half-full bottle collecting dust and just started using it one day. Now, I feel instantly comforted whenever I spritz some of her perfume on me so this really touched me immensely to hear her say that.


I'm not sure what I feel about signs and all of that stuff but this definitely felt like more than just a happy coincidence. What do you think? Do you believe in signs?

She Taught Me How to Love

This week's Mama Kat's Writers Workshop writing prompt that I chose was 2) 10 Things my mother taught me.

My mom and I were extremely close. Sometimes I have trouble breathing because I miss her so much. She and my father were taken too soon from this life and I certainly was not finished learning from either of them. Well, are we ever really finished learning from our parents?

Back on my mom's birthday in November, I wrote the following piece and I think it fits perfectly with this week's writing assignment. There may not be 10 exact things that my mother taught me but honestly, I wouldn't be able to pick just 10 things she taught me.


Today would have been my mom's 62nd birthday. My mom, Kathi, was my favorite person in the whole world. If you have been reading my blog for awhile, then I'm sure you know that I talk about her a lot. For those new followers, let me just tell you that my mom was my best friend. It's incredibly difficult going through life without her and I honestly don't know how I've gotten this far without my mom.

I know a lot of daughters don't feel this way about their moms so I know that my relationship with my mom was rare. I wish that I had really sat her down and told her how much that meant to me. For some reason, we didn't have too many serious conversations. I still would like to think that she knew how I felt. I could tell her anything. Seriously, anything. She never judged and never criticized. She just got it. I always felt comfortable divulging intimate details about my personal life to her, well, of course not e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

I've been keeping a journal since my parents died. Lately, I haven't really been writing in it like I should. Well, the week they died, my sister and I made two lists of things that made us think of our mom and dad.

Here is what was on our mom's list: bubble baths, The Temptations, anything easy listening, Twizzlers, scrapbooking, Singapore Slips, beach novels that she would never remember reading but really did, trips to a Tucson, AZ salon(Gadabout), Monopoly (she collected different editions from all over the world), daily trivia, stencil letters, awful singing but she still had fun, Christmas ornaments (we had one from every country we had ever been to on our Christmas tree), she wanted to be a translator for the UN, colorful and sometimes cheap jewelry, diet cherry coke, her amazing chocolate chip cookies, party mix, the best lasagna ever, getting sucked into any and every TV show that I made her watch with me, hugs, painful goodbyes always made her cry, Clementine(a stuffed monkey from Build a Bear), wandering in grocery stores and Target forever, magazines, comfort food, very smart, held hands during takeoff, loved children, reading aloud, movies, teaching stores, colorful pens, surprise presents, happy tears, big red apples, nose kisses, she dyed her hair since I can remember, always willing to do anything to help someone out and she has the power to make you feel like everything was going to be ok. Of course, there's so much more, but that's my list so far.

❤ Above everything else, I learned how to love from my mom. ❤

Speechless

This week's Mama Kat's Writing Assignment that I chose was 1.) Write about a time a friend left you speechless.

It was the first year anniversary of my parents death. Looking back on the day now I can't even remember exactly what I did. It's all a blur to me. For some reason I wasn't with my sister. Thankfully, we now promise to always try to be together on this date but this October 15th, we were not.

All I remember about the day was getting a call from the office of my apartment building letting me know that there was a package waiting for me downstairs in the mail room. I was shocked. I wasn't expecting anything. I quickly went to retrieve it and rushed back up to apartment to open it.

It was a large square heavy box with no return address but my address had been handwritten and I could definitely recognize the handwriting. It was from my friend Tracy. I slowly opened it and could immediately tell that it was some kind of a scrapbook. It had a beautiful butterfly on the cover and if you know me at all, then you'll know that I love butterflies. As I began turning the pages, I realized that not only was it from Tracy but several of my other close girl friends too.


They had all contributed a page or two to this beautiful scrapbook. Each page was full of pictures of my friends and I together, collages of magazine cutouts of things they knew I liked, thoughtful poems and friendship quotes and sweet letters. So many memories of these cherished friendships filled this scrapbook.



Tears formed in my eyes as I scanned the pages and began reading the letters tucked into the clear covers around each page. I was left utterly speechless. No one had ever done something so incredibly kind for me in my life and I didn't know what to say. It had been such a hard day for me and knowing that I would have to endure many more year anniversaries of my parents deaths felt impossible. Just as I was feeling my lowest and most alone in the world, this heartfelt gift arrived and I suddenly didn't feel so alone anymore.

Bye Bye Birdie

It's been awhile so I thought that I would enter Mama Kat's Writing Workshop this week. The prompt that I chose was "describe a time when someone was proud of you".

Of course my parents were proud of me a lot but one time in particular that stands out in my mind was when I was one of the leads in a production of "Bye Bye Birdie" in 10th grade. We were living in Yangon, Myanmar at the time. For a recap of why I was overseas for school, check out this post.

Anyway, I played Rosie, Albert's Spanish singing secretary girlfriend. It was definitely a lot of work! There were daily intense rehearsals that seemed to last forever, lots of dance practices, singing lessons, many lines to memorize, dress fittings and a lot more.

The summer before my 10th grade year, back in the states my mom and I rented the movie version of "Bye Bye Birdie". We watched it together in her bedroom and she said that she could totally picture me playing Rosie and really hoped that I would get that part. When I came home from auditions and told her that I did indeed land the role of Rosie she was ecstatic, she smiled and gave me a big hug. My dad was over the moon too. From that day on, my parents bragged to anyone that would listen that their daughter was playing Rosie in "Bye Bye Birdie". They were incredibly supportive of me throughout the entire process.

On the night of the first performance, my parents walked into my room while I was getting ready to head to school, with a large bouquet of flowers in their hands. They were so proud of me and I hadn't even done the show yet. I'll never forget that moment in my room for as long as I live. My mom was teary eyed even. I promised myself right then that I would do the best possible job that night and the next night up on stage playing Rosie.

Well, the show went off without a hitch. My parents were sitting in the front and center row and throughout the show, I continued to look at their radiant faces. It definitely got me to keep up my energy on stage. There are a million pictures from the show but sadly they are all in my high school scrapbook which is currently in Arizona so I don't have any of those for you to see. All I have is this one that I took a picture of. It was taken right after the show was over.
My parents were always telling me how proud they were of me. After every accomplishment, big or small, they let me know how proud they were. That's all I ever wanted, that's all I do want now, I just want to make them proud of me. I was so proud of the both of them.

Touching Post

My sister and I share many blog followers but in case you don't follow her's yet, I wanted to share with you her post for today entitled Mysterious Ways. I shed a tear and I laughed a little this morning as I read what is a beautiful piece of writing. Please drop by her blog and check out this post. I couldn't agree more with you Tonya, Lucas and my future children will always feel like they know our parents. I promise that.

Deep Thought of the Day

For some reason I always forget that NOT everyone in my circle of friends and/or acquaintances knows what happened to my parents and the fact that I've grown up overseas my whole life until college rolled around.

Recently, I was talking to a friend about my parents and how closer my sister and I are now and how much I love spending time with my nephew. Suddenly, she exclaims, "Wait, what? Where are your parents now?" I was really surprised that she didn't already know my story. So, then, I of course went on to give her a Cliff Note's version of what happened to my parents. Needless to say she was shocked and told me that suddenly, things started making sense.

I don't know why but I often assume that everyone should just already know these things. It was a huge life changing event in my life so how can some people still not know about it? But how can some people possibly know? How can I expect that when there are certain people that I've never talked to about this. People can't read minds. On the other side of the coin, it's comforting to know that I don't have a sign on my forehead that says "ORPHAN". Let's be honest, there's so much more to me than this. This tragedy most certainly does not define me or my family. It's a battle scar that I'll carry with me forever but it doesn't have to be the first thing someone learns about me.

Right after my parents died, it was so hard for me to understand how people were planning fun trips to Vegas, chic dinners out on the town, sleepovers with boyfriends, vacations to Hawaii or even simply laughing over everyday occurrences. Of course, thankfully, I've gotten over all this. I now understand how important it is to continue life and be happy. That's exactly what they would have wanted me to do. My parents were two happy and joyful people who loved life and would expect nothing but that from me too.

31 Day Photo Challenge-Day 21

31 Day Photo Challenge- Day 21: Post a picture of something you wish you could forget.

This is really difficult. I honestly don't want to forget anything that's happened to me. I'd like to think that it's all happened for a reason and that I'm a better person because of it all.

Of course there are days when I wish I could forget that my parents are gone and that they'll never be at the future important events in my life but then again, I don't want to forget that they are gone either. I always want to remember that they were here and they will always be my parents. Perhaps, it would be nice to be able to forget the night I found out. I wish I could forget what I was wearing and where my bed was in the room and what I thought when I saw that it an international number pop up on my cell phone. I wish I could erase the memory of telling my sister the awful news. Why can't I forget all that? Yet, I don't want to ever forget how my friends were there for me that night and for many nights to come after that one.

Is there anything you wish you could forget?

The Horizon

Another gift my roommate and I received from Oprah's Favorite Things episode was a book by Mark Nepo called "The Book of Awakening". I gave mine away but I finally had some time recently to skim through Gina's copy. The book is a day by day guide to being present in the life you have. Each day has an insightful quote followed by a connecting story and then a few tips for the reader to achieve whatever message that day has.

When I glanced through the book, it was December 19th so I of course went straight straight to that date.

The quote was "As someone sitting beneath a tree can imagine the earth from above the trees, a heart encumbered by reality can know eternity."
The writer, Nepo goes on to explain that during rough seas, sailors go up to the deck of their ships in order to avoid getting sea sick. They stare out at the horizon and eventually feel better. Looking far ahead of them eases their stomachs and also their minds. Nepo continues to say that this way of thinking is so important in our daily lives. I couldn't agree more with this belief. However, it can be incredibly difficult to look beyond the initial pain or failure and see the light at the end of the very dark tunnel.

"Whether facing cancer or riding the insecurity of repeated rejection or trying to surmount the most profound moments of loneliness, my greatest pains and fears have been lessened when I've managed to keep the largest sense of life before me like a horizon." -Mark Nepo

After my parents died just over 3 years ago, I really didn't think too highly of my future. It was so difficult for me to look at the bigger picture and see beyond my immense sadness. I dreaded waking up each morning to find them still gone. I constantly wondered how I would ever be happy again. When on earth would I laugh and be 'ok' with this intense loss of my mom and dad? Somehow, little by little, day by day, month by month and year by year, I've started to look at my horizon a lot more. I'm a big planner and thus I have planned a lot of fun and exciting things in my life. Coming to the realization that I really have so much to look forward to in my life and wonderful people to do it all with has gotten me through many dark days.

Perhaps my horizon is a little cloudy some days but it still is definitely intact and will continue to grow brighter every day. I hope you look to your own horizon every day and let it guide you out of the bad moments in life.

Fill in The Blank Friday- Holiday Edition

So, I'm not in the Holiday mood at all yet so I thought this might help.

1. The Holiday spirit is very slowly creeping up on me. Slow...ly. Today, in fact, I listened to one entire Christmas song in the car on the way to the gym. The month of December really just got here too soon and I'm not ready for it at all. I plan on doing a little Christmas shopping tomorrow. Wish me luck braving the mall! To me the Holiday spirit is really about giving and appreciating those people around you that you care about most.

2. The holidays are incomplete without my family and friends. Of course there's also yummy food, the incredible Christmas music, the colder weather, the bright lights, the fun decorations, tall Christmas trees, and the colors red and green everywhere.

3. My favorite things to do around the holidays is finding the perfect gifts for everyone. There really is nothing like knowing you hit it on the nail. I love knowing that the person is going to be so delighted with whatever you picked out. I also really enjoy baking around this time of year.

4. A holiday tradition my family and I have is going to a movie on Christmas Day or the day after. My parents, my sister and I loved going after the food in our bellies settled on Christmas night. Now, my sister and I continue this tradition on our own. We look forward to picking out "the Christmas movie" every year. It's our time to just be alone and be sisters. Not sure what this years movie will be yet. Got any suggestions?

5. Holiday music is wonderful. I love it all. However, I can't handle it too soon. I'm usually only good for about two weeks of it. So, yep, I still won't succumb to those all day Christmas radio stations quite yet. A couple of my favorites are "Last Christmas" by George Michael, 'Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney, anything off of Natalie Cole's Christmas album, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Vanessa Williams and so much more.

6. This year, I'll be spending the holidays in the bay area with my sister's family and her sweet in-laws. It's always been very nice and drama-free. Since my parents passed away, Christmas will never be the same for me but I am blessed to still have loved ones to spend the holidays with.

7. Holiday wish list: Can I put my dream music job on this list? That, the 10th season of 90210 and another small bottle of Nina Ricci perfume will do just fine. : ) What's on your list this year?

I'm Grateful For...-Day 8

Day 8 Blessings:

1. Reading a book that changes your life and is completely underlined.
   
2. Savoring the scents of life.
3. I'm grateful for that amazing feeling that comes after a shower and washing your hair.
4. When you finally achieve a long sought after goal and the moment when your accomplishment emotionally clicks with you.
5. The comforting memories of my mother's soft hands as she hugs me tight.
6. The precious memories of my father's laughter filling a room.
7. A fortune cookie with just the perfect message.
   

Mom

Why does it feel like just when I get over one rough day, another bad one is waiting right around the corner?

Today would have been my mom's 62nd birthday. My mom, Kathi, was my favorite person in the whole world. If you have been reading my blog for awhile, then I'm sure you know that I talk about her a lot. For those new followers, let me just tell you that my mom was my best friend. It's incredibly difficult going through life without her and I honestly don't know how I've gotten this far without my mom.

I know a lot of daughters don't feel this way about their moms so I know that my relationship with my mom was rare. I wish that I had really sat her down and told her how much that meant to me. For some reason, we didn't have too many serious conversations. I still would like to think that she knew how I felt. I could tell her anything. Seriously, anything. She never judged and never criticized. She just got it. I always felt comfortable divulging intimate details about my personal life to her.

I've been keeping a journal since my parents died. Lately, I haven't really been writing in it like I should. Well, the week they died, my sister and I made two lists of things that made us think of our mom and dad.

Here is what was on our mom's list: bubble baths, The Temptations, anything easy listening, Twizzlers, scrapbooking, Singapore Slips, beach novels that she would never remember reading but really did, trips to a Tucson salon(Gadabout), Monopoly (she collected different editions from all over the world), daily trivia, stencil letters, awful singing but she still had fun, Christmas ornaments (we had one from every country we had ever been to on our Christmas tree), she wanted to be a translator for the UN, colorful and sometimes cheap jewelry, diet cherry coke, her amazing chocolate chip cookies, party mix, the best lasagna ever, getting sucked into any and every TV show that I made her watch with me, hugs, painful goodbyes always made her cry, Clementine(a stuffed monkey from Build a Bear), wandering in grocery stores and Target forever, magazines, comfort food, very smart, held hands during takeoff, loved children, reading aloud, movies, teaching stores, colorful pens, surprise presents, happy tears, big red apples, nose kisses, she dyed her hair since I can remember, always willing to do anything to help someone out and she has the power to make you feel like everything was going to be ok.
Of course, there's so much more, but that's my list so far.

Mom, I'll love and miss you forever.
November 10, 1948-October 15, 2007


"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts." ~Washington Irving

Open Book

Most people would say that I like to talk and will willingly tell you just about everything. What can I say, I'm an open book! Well, last night Gina asked me what was one thing that really has helped me get through losing my parents and I told her that it was my openness. I don't like to keep things locked away. I have this need to tell a friend what is bothering me or making me sad. I just don't think any good will come from keeping most things to myself. I also usually feel like I need advice or their input on whatever is happening in my life.

It's been super therapeutic for me to talk about my parents with others. I love when my friends ask me what movies my dad enjoyed or about my mom's favorite music. So please go ahead and ask me anything about their lives. This keeps them alive in today's world. I enjoy telling my sister when she does something that is just like our Mom and Dad. I hope she enjoys hearing it too.

Well, here's hoping you'll continue to listen and be patient with me. : )

It's Bittersweet

Yesterday in Palm Springs was really nice and it was just wonderful getting to see Leslie and her family. Despite my horrendous experience at the DMV (I won't bore you with that awful experience, just believe me, it was terrible) and leaving LA much later then I had anticipated, I had such a pleasant little visit with the Brennan family in Palm Springs. I was only there with them from 4 pm Thursday to 8 am Friday, so not long at all. Yet, they were all so kind and hospitable to me. We hung out at their hotel for awhile, Leslie's mom made a batch of yummy margaritas and Leslie and I caught up on each other lives. Then at night, we went out for Mexican food. We all crashed for the night pretty early which was totally fine by me. It had been a stressful day for with the DMV adventure and all so I was ready to get to bed early. I really do enjoy spending time with my friends and their families. There's nothing quite like it, usually you get to see them at their most comfortable. With most of my friends, they become super laid back and extra relaxed around their parents. It's nice to see them this way but it makes me miss that feeling that I got around my parents too. I still feel this way around my sister though. : ) It's bittersweet.

There was a part of me that couldn't help but be incredibly sad and jealous that Leslie gets to spend time with her boyfriend and family altogether. I'll never get that chance. My parents will never be able to bond with my boyfriend. Her bf, Charlie, gets along really well with her parents and I overheard them talk about future trips to take together. It hurt a little to see him watch a March Madness basketball game with Leslie's dad. My dad loved watching sports and he would have loved to watch a game with my boyfriend. I am so sad that my parents will never get the chance to joke with my husband and tease me together. I guess I'm just sad that this guy will never know my parents. He will just have to take my word that my parents were two very awesome people and they they would have been amazing in-laws. I wonder if my friends even think about things like this... Do they know how lucky they are to have these precious moments still to come with their significant others and their parents? I don't even think I thought about it much before my parents died. Despite these sad emotions that come along with being with my friends and their parents, there's also much joy too. Because I don't have my parents anymore, I really look forward to being with their parents. I enjoy talking to them about things that my parents would have wanted to discuss. It's bittersweet.

It's still hard sometimes to hear a friend on the phone catching up with their mom or dad or hearing parents chat with their children about something funny they did as a baby or hearing parents tell their wedding day story for the millionth time. I don't get to have those moments anymore and it breaks my heart. I would give anything right now to call my dad and tell him how frustrated I am with the job search and get his words of wisdom or to go shopping at a fancy LA mall with my mom. Heck, we would probably break for a movie even.. : ) It's probably strange for people on the outside to understand, but I honestly do sometimes get so busy with stuff going on in my life that I forget that my parents are gone. Then when I remember, it's like a hard slap in the face. And I'll think, damn, how did I not think about them today or what brought on this tears all of a sudden? I will be sad that I've gone however long without thinking of it but I'm also thankful for those hours of relief. It's bittersweet.

I'm in San Diego now with my sister and Lucas. My brother in-law is out of town and Tonya asked me to come stay for the weekend. I was more than happy to oblige. I love coming here and I love seeing Lucas even more. The drive is not bad at all from LA (I came straight from Palm Springs this time) and it would be worth it even if it was a long drive. Lucas started crawling last night so it''s very exciting! These are the moments that life is all about. I wish my parents were here to see all this. They are missing out on so much and it's just not fair. I want them to be here for Lucas, and for Tonya and for my children and for me. But I suppose that I have to just be content in the thought that they are here in some way. My thoughts on the after life and religion will have to go in another post. Perhaps one of these days Lucas will do something so sweet and amazing that I'll just have to believe that my parents are around... that too will be bittersweet.

Family Night

Tonight, well, technically last night, (it's almost 1am) I went over to my high school friend Belinda's home to watch the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics. Sadly, they started very late and I never got to see them since I already had later dinner plans after. It was still so nice to visit with her and her boyfriend. Then our other high school friends Mya and her boyfriend Paul came too. That is the three of us in the picture. I know I look like a giant compared to them but I had on heels! : )

I can't describe what it's like being around people that knew the 'me' that lived overseas. It's not like I'm a different person now... it's just that they really understand me and where I'm coming from. They also knew my parents and were around them all the time. There is something so comforting being around that. I am so grateful that they invite me to get-togethers and want to show me around LA. They are certainly my new LA family.

After I left this party I went to my college friend, Jason's home in Brentwood. It was barely a 10 minute drive away from Belinda's home in West LA. That was awesome! I have yet to drive very far to get anywhere! So I met Jason my sophomore year at UofA and we stayed pretty good friends and hung out most weekends for awhile. Towards the end of college, we didn't see so much of each other and then when I graduated, he still had one more year left. He has been living in LA about a year now so that is really nice having someone around who knows the area fairly well. Anyway, he invited me over to his home for a home-cooked Persian dinner. He lives with his parents and his mom is a great cook. His two brothers and sister in-law also came to dinner. So, I got to meet the whole family! While it was delicious food, I mostly enjoyed the family dynamics around the dinner table and the humor of it all. They obviously are all very close and friendly with each other. It made me miss my parents a lot and our dinner table conversations. I hope to be invited again for family dinner night. : )

This is one of my favorite quotes about family:

"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one." -Jane Howard