Revelations in a Letter

A friend of mine was and I suppose will for some time be going through a difficult time in her relationship with a guy she was dating for awhile. She has finally come to a place where she knows it's not going to get any better and she has fallen out of love with the person he has sadly become. She read the following letter to me about a week ago and I felt it was so incredibly powerful and raw that I just had to share it on my blog. She did indeed give this letter to him.

Of course, with her permission, here is the letter:

"I miss you. I don't mean the "I am going out of town for the weekend" type miss you. I really miss you. I miss us. I miss the people we used to be. The people that I thought we were becoming. I miss my ace, my number one, my friend.

I can and I will admit that I fell in love with you. The type of wake up in the middle of the night just to smell your scent type of love.

But as time goes on as it always will and new days emerge as do revelations, time has brought us to this place, this moment. Not the most defining but a moment that I have always dreaded but can't push away any longer because it is consuming me and I can't breathe.

I have decided that those people we were, those two strangers who just so happened to hit it off, are not the people we are today and we will never be again. That's okay though. People evolve and adapt and relationships do the same.

I asked myself a thousand times "How can we make it like it used to be?" Oh, I know:

• I can take us to Vegas for a "romantic" weekend
• I can take him on dates to show him that he deserves it just because he is with me
• I can turn my house into a strip club to show him that I am not the person his friends think I am, I am a fun person with a great attitude
• I can give him my body because it has been his since he first touched my little girl (and I am not talking about a kid)

But wait, there are no we's...What is he doing to get us...somewhere, anywhere.

I appreciate the occasional lunch and movie. I love when we can have a conversation about nothing. Lay around and just be. I love that feeling of he misses me when I am out of town because he texts me so.

But I have evolved and I know that what we had is gone and all we have is right here, right now. There is no future for us and you never hint that there ever will be.

You told me that you didn't want to hurt me but I don't understand how you can't see the hurt all over me. The sadness, the anger that you caused but I am always apologizing for.

My back is against a wall and my screams are falling on deaf ears and a heart that belongs to another. There is no compromise. There is no life line. So I ask myself what is it that I am fighting for. The answer is the two strangers who happened to meet each other and hit it off but they no longer exist in this reality. The people I hoped they would be together for as long as they needed to be, wanted to be.

But here we are, right here right now, living in the present with no future holding on to what was and just now accepting what it is. The love I have for you was something I hadn't felt in a long time. There have been others but none I let my guard down for. I was ready for you, I was waiting for you.

I love you and I have to let go. I can't keep fighting for you when you aren't fighting for me. I wanted you with everything inside of me but I am a person in this relationship and I have grown enough to know I need more and I want more and I have to stop settling for less than.

This letter didn't come easy and my heart is breaking with every word. I am so weak when it comes to you but I am strong in faith to know that when you are going through hell you keep going because it will get better.

This is goodbye for now and who knows it may turn into a see you later. My feelings for you can't handle being friends. I am not there nor do I know when I will be."

I am My Father's Daughter

Another Fathers Day is upon us and I can't help but feel more like I truly am my father's daughter then ever before. I didn't think so when he was alive but I really do think about it a lot more now. I am realizing that I am more like him that I ever thought before. On difficult days like today, I am grateful for that fact more than ever.

To put it bluntly, my dad was a serious neat freak! Everything around him had to be clean and organized. It's not like everyday at our house we were cleaning but I absolutely despised our actual cleaning days because he became obsessed with it. He literally would get on his and hands and knees and scrub our tiled floor. He took such care in doing so. I guess my problem was that I didn't like being told to clean and I still don't today. I'll clean and clean as long as it's my decision. I wonder where that comes from... haha... But I'll tell you one thing that I realize now is that I take pride in having a clean house and a clean car. It makes me feel good knowing that my things aren't messy and smell nice. I think this is what my dad felt too. He just wanted the things he worked hard for to be taken care of and last a long time. I can't even stand it now when my bed doesn't get made in the morning. I am my father's daughter.

My dad was a very hard worker and felt his best after a long day at school as a principal. Sometimes he had a hard time putting that role on the shelf and enjoying himself. I used to not really understand this. How can someone be constantly thinking about work? That's certainly not healthy. My mom and I were very good at forgetting about our days and decompressing in front of the TV or at the dinner table. Yet, now, I get it. He was so busy at work taking care of things and getting things accomplished that after the day was done, he finally had a chance to sit back and really process through everything. I am the same way now. I am always wondering if I did the right thing, said the right thing and it's tough for me to put those thoughts out of my head. Perhaps, this means that like him, I worry too much. I am my father's daughter.

While my dad was an intensely hard worker, he could also kick back with a beer or two and relax on the weekend. He loved music and dancing. He loved iTunes on his computer and enjoyed collecting old dance hits. He was very organized and methodical about this process. Well, guess what? So am I now. Maybe not about gathering this same kind of music but I definitely am always updating my iTunes and purchasing the latest and greatest. I wish that we could have shared more music together. The Beatles were his all-time favorite group. Since he has passed away, I find more comfort and happiness in their music then ever before. When it comes to dancing, my dad may not have had the best dance moves in the world, but he had such fun dancing. I feel the same way. I may not know what I'm doing half the time out on the dance floor but I sure do feel great out there. I am my father's daughter.

My dad was an affectionate man and was always telling me that he loved me and that he was proud of me. There was never a day that didn't end with an "I love you" and a hug. It is for this reason that I am such an affectionate person today and find myself saying "I love you" at the end of every phone conversation with my sister and friends. It's just what I do. It's such a natural reaction for me. I never for a second ever questioned my father's love for me and I never want anyone I love today to ever question it either. I am a big fan of hugs too and will always be the first to give one. I am my father's daughter.

Well, Happy Fathers Day to my dad! I'm sure that I'll learn more ways we are alike as I grow older. RIP. XOXO

To all the other fathers out there, Happy Father's Day and may your daughters understand you and relate to you a little bit more with each passing day. : )

Turning 2!

My dear sweet nephew, Lucas, turns 2 today and I'm once again overwhelmed with love and adoration for this little man. Never before in my life has someone touched my heart so deeply and stayed just that way.

He really is the light of my life and I cannot imagine my world without him in it. Everything I feel for him today and everyday I wrote on a guest post for my sister over at her blog, so feel free to visit her blog and check it out, Letters for Lucas. My nephew truly did bring me back to life.

Happy 2nd birthday Lucas! For a really adorable slide show of pictures of Lucas, also check out this post on my sister's blog. : )

These are two pictures from his birthday party that his mom and dad threw for him on Saturday at their home in Orange County.

A Vampire in a Leather Jacket

This week's Mama Kat's writing prompt that I chose was "A boy you had crush on... Where is he now?"

Ok, first of all, who didn't I have a crush on? Seriously! I have been boy-crazy since those long ago Kindergarten days. I honestly can't even remember a year when I didn't have a crush on some boy in one of my classes or even just a boy that I admired from afar. There was always someone who caught my eye one way or another.

Sure, maybe I didn't always have the guts to talk to him but I'm pretty sure they were aware that I was interested. You probably couldn't help but notice my staring! During my shy years, sometimes the only exchange that I would even have with a boy would be at the school dances where I would awkwardly wait against one wall with all the other hopeful girls for a boy to ask her to slow dance.

My friends and I would spend hours and hours discussing which boys we liked and why. Then we would analyze every second we ever spent with them and what their actions and words had meant. No gesture would ever go unnoticed. It goes without saying we would endlessly talk about their amazing hair, how cute they looked when they grinned at us, their bright eyes, their cool clothes and most definitely how their last names would look after our first names. I filled up so many notebooks with scribblings of the last names of crushes I had. It's a good thing I never had that embarrassing moment of one of them seeing this.

Despite the countless crushes I've had in my lifetime, I of course will never forget my very first one. His name was Mark.... Oh crap, I don't remember his last name.... (Guess that means I can't stalk him on FACEBOOK! :( ) How can this be?! Oh, maybe it's because I liked him WAY BACK in 1991. I was in 1st grade and he was in 2nd grade. My family and I had just been evacuated from Somalia in East Africa so we were living in Tucson, Arizona for the rest of the school year. For why I was living in Africa, read this post: Background on Moi.

Anyway, back to my crush, Mark. From what I can remember, he had these amazing dark brown eyes and his soft wavy brown hair would fall over them sometimes. He was slightly taller than most other boys in 1st and 2nd grade combined so he totally had that going for him. However, the best thing about him that I can vividly remember was his black leather jacket that he wore every. single. day. Yes, I was smart even back then at age 6 and I knew that leather jackets were the epitome of cool and stylish. He was a "bad boy" at 7 years old and knew what the ladies wanted. Ha! During recess and lunch time, we would run around pretending to be vampires and victims. Mark was the strong vampire every time and all of us little 1st grade girls were his innocent victims. I was usually the last one to be caught. ; ) Even in 1991, the vampire phenomenon was apparent. "Twilight" didn't start that up.


So, where is Mark today? Who knows.... Like I said, I don't remember his last name so I sadly can't look him up on Facebook. Isn't it a shame that I can't specify a search on there with where he went to 2nd grade and what article of clothing did he love.. Or can I? Hmmm.. I might have to investigate this further if only to talk to him about his vampire fetish back then and to find out whatever happened to that awesome leather jacket. : ) I'll keep ya posted!

Dear Mother of 6

Dear Mother of 6,

How do you do it? I've passed you and your large family just about every time I go running around my neighborhood and every time I see you, I'm impressed and in awe of your mothering abilities. Thankfully, another man, I presume your husband is pushing one of your double strollers while you push the other one and your two older daughters walk right behind you. I'm happy to see that you have help. I wonder if you also have a nanny a few days of a week... Well, you certainly have a beautiful family.

You never fail to smile at me when I run by you all. This tells me that you either must be perfectly content with your life, that perhaps, this is what you wanted all along OR you are a very good actress. Maybe you even want more children... Who knows?

I wonder if after grinning at me and I pass you by, you become jealous and angry that I have the time to go running. I have this precious time to myself to do something just for me and for no one else. Did you used to enjoy running or are you not a fan at all like I used to be? Maybe you even feel sorry for me since I appear to not have a family... Do you miss your single independent life?
These will all remain questions forever because I can't ever imagine ever asking you them. But I really am curious about all this.

Sure, you aren't like Kate Gosselin from Jon and Kate Plus 8 at all but that just means that you don't have your own reality show thereby giving you plenty of money to support this large family. You also certainly aren't like Angelina Jolie with her 50 kids either and probably a team of nannies and other caretakers helping her out. Not being in the spotlight means you aren't getting a lot of recognition. I hope that your family appreciates everything you do for them and thanks you a lot.

So I suppose my main question to you and mothers like you with all these children is how do you do it? How do you find the time for yourself and also be a great mother? I can't really see myself having 6 kids but I certainly am envious of all the love that surrounds you 24/7. : )
I wish you a lifetime of happiness with your little crew.

-L

New Music Monday

I can always and forever count on music to be my Valentine. So I thought it would be appropriate to resurrect New Music Monday today. Happy Valentines Day blogging friends!

Here is a short list of a few songs that I've recently downloaded and loved!

1. Mumford and Sons - The Cave Apparently I am late to their party but whatever, I am here now. These guys have a great sound and all play their own instruments so I am definitely a fan. If you've never heard of this group, check out this song asap!
2. Duck Sauce - Barbara Streisand It's a hilarious song title but honestly, a great tune and will totally be on my next running playlist.
3. Claire Maguire - Ain't Nobody She has been called "UK's next big femme" and with her chilling voice, there's no question why.
   
4. Rihanna - S&M I really wish that I wasn't a fan of this new song just released on the radio from Rihanna's newest album, LOUD. I just can't help myself, it's such high energy.
   
5. Escort - Cocaine Blues This is another rockin' song that will surely make my running playlist cut. Don't scared of the song title, this tune has nothing to do with drugs!
6. Corinne Bailey Rae - Is this Love She suffered a tragic loss when her husband died back in 2008 so it's nice to see her making sweet music like this again.
   
7. Lykke Li - Get Some I love this singer and will always support her albums. This song does it again and talk about some intense lyrics- "I'm your prostitute, you gon' get some."
   

Broken But Hopeful Hearts

A close friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend. They were together for over two years and it's literally torn her world a part. I wish so badly that I could stop her pain and give this boy a serious beating. But it's just not possible for me to do either of those things.

I've had many friends break up with their boyfriends before and they've leaned on me for support but never has it affected me like this. Of course I'm always angry at these guys and long to mend my friends' broken hearts.

Yet, this time feels different. Perhaps, it's because we are older and these couples aren't silly and cavalier anymore. They are serious, mature relationships where future plans are often discussed. My heart aches for this friend whenever we talk on the phone. There's a sadness in me that I haven't felt quite before. Unfortunately she does not live anywhere near me so we must communicate via phone only. I'm in the process of mailing her something special though.

What have I learned from all this? Well, it has really got me thinking of what exactly I want in my soul mate. Yep, I am currently single and dating. By the way, dating in LA is tough..more on that subject in another post. So, several months ago, I asked my friends what they wanted in their perfect man and women. These lists were kind of silly and pretty unrealistic and I didn't mention specifically what things I wanted in a guy so without further delay, here is my list:

• Someone who won't just text me.
• On that note, write me old fashioned love letters every once in a while!
• I'd like him to want to communicate with me everyday but not necessarily need to. Plus, some days all I need is a quick hello.
• Someone who won't play any games with me. I don't understand them and have no time for any of that nonsense.
• Plan some of the dates too. Don't leave it all up to me.
  
• Someone who will pay our dinner bills, at least in the beginning of our courtship. I'm all for splitting it later or even picking up the check entirely.
• Open doors, pull out chairs-you know, its called chivalry! Learn it! I think a lot of the guys of my generation have forgotten what this is all about.
• Dance. Ok, I understand that not all guys enjoy dancing but at least try a little for me.
  
• Remember things about myself that I tell you and then ask me about them later. I am constantly asking questions so I expect a similar respect from my partner.
• I will compliment you when I first see you, so please do the same for me.
• When we get fairly serious, ask me to meet your family.
• If you get the pleasure of meeting my friends, actively be interested in them and getting to know them better. My friends are my family so they better approve of you.
• While we are on the subject of friends, consider yourself lucky when you've gotten to meet a few of them.
• Again, after we've been together for awhile, ask me about my parents. If I care about you, I'll want to share things about them with you.
• Be passionate about things in your life.
  
• Can you simply woo me?!

I'm sure there are lots of other traits and characteristics that I look for in a guy but these are the things that have been on my mind lately.

If my friend doesn't get back together with this boyfriend, then I hope with all heart and soul that the next guy has all these qualities and much much more. She is definitely precious cargo. : )

I've Got a Crush!

That's right, I've got a big ole crush on my nephew, Lucas! : )

This Thanksgiving holiday, I got to spend a lot of one on one time with my adorable 17 month old nephew. I absolutely adore him! I've never really felt this way about anyone before, not my sister, not any friends and not even my parents. Honestly, I don't think I've ever loved anyone like I do him. I would do anything for this little guy. If only he knew how much I cared about him. Being with him makes me incredibly happy and I am thankful everyday for him.

Here's a few pics of him that I got this weekend:



And this one is my favorite! He just walked right up to me and proceeded to sit right on my stomach and then layed down and made himself comfortable. Guess he loves me too. : )

The Guest List

While I am absolutely no where near getting married, in fact, I think I am several years away from the big day, it's still fun to think about from time to time with my girl friends.

So, my very dear friend Tracy, over at BrooklynNight was visiting me about a month ago and she suggested that we make our inevitable guest lists right now and see who makes the cut. Pretty interesting, right? I thought so anyway.

Here's the thing, try to keep the guest list as short as possible and keep in mind that people have girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives and partners. Are they also invited? Is everyone allowed a plus 1? Also, you have to decide whether or not you are inviting children to the wedding. You aren't allowed to check your phone for names that you might have missed either. These have to be people that on your mind right now. I thought that this would be easy enough. I was wrong.

Once I got started listing off people, I think I sort of got carried away. Especially since, I'm not even sure I want a typical large wedding. In fact, most of the time, I only want 10 or so people there MAX! Well, that was not what this particular guest list showed. According to it, I want about 60 people at my wedding! YIKES! The spouses are what really brings that number up-honest! Tracy's list had about 40 people on it which I think is much much more sensible. Good for her.

This exercise really got me thinking about my friends and who I really want at my wedding. What people do I truly want to share one of the most important days of my life. If they aren't on my mind right now, then I think that tells me something. I don't know..perhaps not but it certainly seems logical to me right now. It also got me thinking about whether I want people there because they were my parents friends. I care about these people but where do I draw the line?

What about your guest list? If you haven't gotten married yet, try writing down a list right now. How many are you going to invite? Was this an easy or difficult thing for you to do? If you are married, how did you decide the guest list?!

FYI, the first person on my guest list was my 17month old nephew Lucas. : )

My Parents 41st Wedding Anniversary

41 years ago today, my parents were married. I miss them everyday but days like today are especially difficult. I can't help but wonder how different my life would be today if they were still alive. I am grateful to everything that I learned from them about life and most importantly, love. I certainly could not have asked for two better role models.

Celebrating Love

Today my sister and her husband have been married 3 years! Woo hoo! They have been through so much in three short years but have overcome it all and are doing pretty darn awesome today. I know I do this all the time but whatever, her blog is just too sweet not to share with you..check out her blog for today's darling post about her husband and their relationship thus far, Letters for Lucas. Well, happy third anniversary you two! I love you both very much and I look forward to sharing many more wonderful memories together.

It got me thinking about love and how you know you are with the person that you are going to be with forever? Forever is a really really long time. I have trouble keeping the furniture in my room in the same position for too long... Yikes! I know they all say that when you meet the right person, you'll just know, but what if you don't? What if you never get that feeling? Or what if you just never that person? Then what? I suppose the entire dating process to get to that point is fun and by fun I mean frustrating, complicated, and certainly at times absolutely wonderful. Go ahead and call me a hopeless romantic.

So last month, I wrote the following letter to my nephew to put on my sister's blog so I thought that this would be a perfect time to share it on my blog seeing as this is what I'm talking about today. Enjoy!

Dear Lucas,

So, what exactly does it mean to be the "perfect guy"? It’s kind of funny for me to think about you and dating right now but you are not going to be a little guy forever and will eventually be interested in the ladies. Having said that, there’s no rush at all. You have your whole life to stress about girls and learn what makes women tick. Take your time and enjoy the process of meeting your Ms. Right.

Okay, so there’s no beating around the bush, dating can be tough. In fact, maintaining a solid relationship is tough too. It’s all tough. While dating can be complicated and frustrating and at times exhausting, it can be incredible too. When you find someone whom you want to spend your time with and whom you have more than just ‘friend’ feelings towards, it can be one of the best feelings in the world. When you are really involved, everything just feels better. Food tastes yummier, colors are brighter and even music sounds more amazing. I can’t explain it but this all really does happen. I can’t wait until you experience all this for the first time. There is nothing like your first love. So, please call your aunt and fill her in!

Of course you have to consider yourself lucky when that person you care for, cares for you right back. Trust me, so far in my dating life, I’ve had numerous crushes but maybe only a couple guys have actually reciprocated those feelings back at me. It can be very sad and certainly a self-esteem killer, but like the saying goes, there are a lot of fish in the sea.

Now I’m sure your mom and dad have already told you all this or you have picked it up somewhere else no doubt, but a month or so ago I created the ultimate “Perfect Guy” list, so I thought that I would share a few things I learned from my research. While compiling this list may have been fun, it’s really not that practical. There are really no set characteristics girls need to have in their perfect guy. It's all feelings and connections. Having a list will ruin all that. We just need to make sure that we are open to love, every kind of love. It's really not supposed to make sense or fit a mold or a list. Another thing to keep in mind is that most girls just want a guy who can have hot dogs and beers at a baseball game during the day...then wine and dine them at the Met later at night. Personally, I love a guy who can make me laugh. An awesome sense of humor is very important to me. You are already cracking me up at just a year old so I’m sure you’ll be good on that.

"Chibi" and "Ellie"

I meant to post this forever ago...

On my trip to Wyoming and Utah, I was either with an adorable 6 week old beagle/bulldog mix named "Ellie" or a 3 year old cat named "Chibi". I can honestly say that I really miss it. I don't care if you are or aren't an animal person, I think you'll get where I'm coming from. Pets are the perfect example of pure unconditional love. They don't care that you may not be the best looking person person, or if you don't have all the money in the world, or that you were rude to someone earlier. They love you no matter what. All you have to do is feed them and give them shelter. Of course an occasional petting session is awesome too.

I think pets can be so comforting and lovable when you want them to be. I definitely miss all the attention these two little guys gave me while I was with them. Not long after getting home, I did go ahead and buy a fish but it's just not the same at all. Can't wait till I have my own house one day with a great big yard so I have a dog!

Feels Like Home

Other than my sister and of course, her one year old son, Lucas, there aren't many people in my life who make me feel like "home". What does that even mean? I don't really know...I think it's simply a feeling of absolute love and sheer warmness you get whenever you are around certain people. I guess you could say you are surrounded by those warm and fuzzies. I usually feel this way if I'm totally comfortable with those silent moments when no one is saying a single thing. How do you know when you are totally comfortable with someone?

Honestly, before my parents died, I didn't look for those "homey" feelings from anyone else but them and my sister. I didn't need it from anyone else. I already had those intimate unconditional homey feelings all taken care of. And that horrible day they died, I lost all of that. I suppose recently I've come to the understanding that I'm not completely shut off from letting others in and allowing myself to feel that way with other people. The Moyers are a perfect example of this. Sure, I'll never be able to be around anyone who makes me feel just like my parents did and that is extremely painful. However, it's hopeful knowing that my heart is still open.

I'd like to thank Emily and her parents for making me truly realize all of this. There have of course been several other friends these past 2 years that have shown me that and for which I'll be forever grateful to. I think that they all know who there are. It's strange... I know I'll always have this aching hole in my heart but families like the Moyers are definitely lessening it every day.

Well, thank you for reading this and for allowing me to open my heart with all of you once again.

The Bases....

Now I warn you, I talk about all things physical in this post so be prepared as I keep it super real. : )

"Hey boy, I really like being with you. Just hanging out is fun. So maybe we can go to... First base. Because I feel you. Second base, I want you to feel me too boy. Third base, better pump the brakes. Ooh baby, slow down. I gotta go home now."

Alicia Keys- "Teenage Love Affair"

Last week I went around asking my friends how they defined the 'bases'. You all know the ones I'm talking about... Well, you wouldn't think that this would be so interesting. I mean, originally, I thought that there was only one right answer, that they were all universal. Yet, I've learned this is not true at all. In fact, the answers vary regional, generational, socially and culturally. Of course, we can all agree what home base means.... In the words of a new friend Steve, "It's a home run no matter which team you're on."

Here are the best results that I received:

1st Base- Kissing

2nd Base- Touching

3rd Base- Both kissing and touching

(From a 60 year old)

1st Base- Making out

2nd Base- Clothes on/off with touching

3rd Base- Oral

1st Base- Just kissing--some tongue, but not complete making out (because I think of making out as having some touchy-feely-ness!)
2nd Base- Full-on making out, like on a couch or in a car or something
3rd Base- Making out with lots of touching...what we used to call petting. Maybe shirts off...

1st Base- Kissing

2nd Base- Any touching of one another, but no orgasms

3rd Base- Hand job, blow job, etc.

Home Run- Ya know ;)

I totally just made those up on the spot, but they make sense to me! I think some people say that 2nd is like over-the-shirt groping, but then that's too big of a jump to third, ya know? It's tricky... there should really be 5 bases!

1st Base- French kissing
2nd Base- Feeling boobs
3rd Base- Hand jobs, jobs of any kind, etc.
Home Run- Sex!!

1st Base- Kissing
2nd Base- Over the clothes feel up
Stealing 3rd Base- Finger/hand job
3rd Base- Oral Sex
Home Run- Sex
Foul Ball- Anal Sex :)

1st Base- Making out with over-the-clothes groping.
2nd Base- Making out with under-the-clothes groping/partial nudity
3rd Base- Hands and/or mouths on parts. (and the reason i say 'or' is because I've never particularly believed that oral sex always comes before old-fashioned sex, Bill and Monica notwithstanding.)
Home Run- Obvious.

So did you agree with these answers? Have you got other ones?

Mother's Day

This day hurts. It still don't know how to exist in a world where my parents don't and I guess that will never really change. I lost three people the day they died; my mom, my dad and my best friend.

At some point in my life, my mom became my best friend. I'm not sure when exactly but it did happen. I was robbed of so many more memories with my mom. I can't begin to describe the ache I feel inside to not have her around anymore. She and I had a unique bond and there is a large hole in my heart that she used to fill. I could tell her everything and I mean EVERYTHING. She never judged me and always understood where I was coming from. I have this letter that she sent me my freshman year in college and she wrote, "A new teacher at our school asked me yesterday if I really did miss you, and I said of course. She questioned the closeness we have...but I told her you were my best friend too."

Nothing in the world would make me happier than if I could see her right now and spend the day doing things we loved. We would go see a movie, grab lunch, get a manicure and pedicure, go shopping, take a dip in the pool, make dinner together and then spend all night watching Sex and City episodes and talking in between.

Below are the lyrics to the song "Mama" by the Spice Girls. Yes, I know, the Spice Girls.... But I remember playing it for my mom and she got teary eyed. I think that's when I told her that she was truly my best friend. I still can't really hear this song without crying but I love it and think it's a very sweet song.

She used to be my only enemy and never let me free,
Catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be,
Every other day I crossed the line,
I didn't mean to be so bad,
I never thought you would
Become the friend I never had

Back then I didn't know why,
Why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all that you did was love,
Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
My friend

I didn't want to hear it then but
I'm not ashamed to say it now,
Every little thing you said and did was right for me,
I had a lot of time to think about,
About the way I used to be,
Never had a sense of my responsibility.

Back then I didn't know why,
Why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
All that you did was love,
Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend, My friend

But now I'm sure I know why,
Why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
All I can give you is love,
Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
My friend

Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
You're my friend

I'll love and miss you forever Kathi Ruppert Adams.

1 Month Left

This week's question for my blog was what five things would you do if you found out that you only had a month left to live. I got most of the traditional answers but there were a few interesting ones. Now instead of waiting to do these incredible things, why not try getting to some now?!

• Quit my job in a very dramatic and movie-like way
• Make amends
• Arrange all my final affairs, make sure I had a will set up and all debts were paid off
• Go to Confession
• Travel Tons: India, South of France, Countryside in UK, Russia, Latin America, Maldives, Go back home - Go on an unforgettable trip to somewhere exotic for a week
• Gamble all my money away in Las Vegas
• Have a threesome- My friend gave a few more details but I'll leave those out here : )
• Watch the sunrise and the sunset everyday to remember how beautiful life is
• Do good deeds, give a lot of my time and/or money to those in need
• Make lots of phone calls
• Write letters and look through all my old pictures
• Throw a big party where everyone I know could eat, drink and dance altogether
• Try to fall in love/Get married in Hawaii and have entire family and all my friends be there for it
• Go surfing, swim with sea turtles, visit the Green Sand Beach- Courtney has Hawaii on the brain! : )
• Laugh endlessly
• Do any and all drugs-Ecstasy, Cocaine, Hallucinogens
• Spend time with my family and close friends
• Go home on the next flight to live with my family
• Kiss my family, boyfriend and dog everyday and try to spend most of my time in their embrace
• Go out to eat all the time and eat something exciting for every meal no matter the cost
• Make sure my pets had a good home

"I have already accomplished a large number of things on my bucket list. That is the reason I travel so much and do so many adventurous things (skydiving, scuba diving, white water rafting, etc). At the end of the day my conscious is the only person I have to answer to and if I have not lived my life in accordance with my principles then I can not say I am living a good life. I feel that is something I need to strive for daily. If I were to drastically change one thing I would remove myself from the remote location I am in and spend as much time with those I love as possible." -Courtney

This is why we are friends. She goes out and does the things that most of us talk about doing. I wish I was as courageous and as brave as her. Courtney has an incredible passion for life and I am proud to call her a friend. She maybe this super fun party chick but she is also one of my smartest friends. Not many people can balance the two and she manages to do them both.

At the end of the day, I think we all just want to be able to say that we lived a good life and we made the most of our time here. I want to be able to say that I loved endlessly and I enjoyed everyone in my life. I want to die old and gray and be absolutely content with my life.

What if....

So for the past week and a half, I've been re-watching my Grey's Anatomy DVDs. One thing I've noticed is that in just about every other episode, a patient learns that they are going to die soon and they bravely take this awful news. I can't help but put myself in that position and think that I highly doubt that I would handle that kind of news as well. I mean, they all say something like, "It's ok, I'll be ok. I've accepted my fate. My cancer and I are friends." Like hell! God! How on earth can they be ok with this kind of prognosis? I would be freaking out if I heard I had a month left to live!! What if I found out that I was going to die? Well, I would be calling all my friends and family, and planning a trip to Europe and listening to as much music as possible, reading every book on my to-read list, smelling every flower, eating cupcakes, making love and so many other things. Of course before all of that, I would cry and cry. What would you do? How would you react to this news?

I guess we'll never know how to react to news before it really happens to us. I hope I never find out what it's like to discover that I'm dying and I hope that I never get to hear that my loved one is dying.

In the words of my sister, let's hope "the best is yet to be".

More on the Perfect Guy

Ironically, I just found this list in the latest Glamour and I absolutely adore it! I hope you do too! I really don't think I could ever ask for more than this.

• I want us to laugh our tails off.
• I want to be madly attracted to him.
• I want to feel we're living an anti-couch potato lifestyle.
• I want to feel safe and, yes, feminine in his arms.
• I want to feel like he gives my brain a workout.
• I want to feel secure and proud of him, socially and privately.
• I want to feel pretty, makeup optional.
• I want to feel heard and understood.
• I want to feel like he "gets" me.

The Perfect Guy

So, being a single gal means plenty of time to obsess over the perfect guy. Let's be honest, we all do it from time to time. Well, I decided to ask several of my favorite girls what traits they need most in their dream man.

Now I've finally created the ultimate list of essentials that the perfect guy must have based on all my friend's answers and what I want as well. What do you think of this list? Do you agree? Thanks ladies for all your emails and for letting me interview you in person. I think we all deserve each and every one of these qualities!

(In no particular order)

• Loving/Kindhearted (Loves his family and has a good relationship with them)
• Aim to Please (Mostly selfless)
• Chivalrous
• Intelligence (He can verbally spar with you and perhaps an expert in something)
• Confident (But not cocky)
• Sense of Humor (Sarcastic without being mean and obnoxious, Someone who can make us laugh everyday because looks fade and that's what we are going to be stuck with when we're 80! And a sense of humor that gels with mine and the ability to laugh at himself)
• Loyal/Faithful/Protective
• Honest/Sincere
• Creative/Artistic
• Grounded/Reliable
• Shared Values
• Passion for Life (Ambitious and action-oriented)
• Some musical ability (Or very interested in music)
• Physically Attractive (Nice proportional body and has a few muscles and he has got to be taller/bigger than me and has a great smile and good teeth)
• Sense of Adventure (Enjoys going to new places and trying new things but also doesn't mind an occasional night in)
• Independent (Has his own transportation, job, set of friends, his own hobbies and interests, etc)
• Never acts abusive towards women or loved ones (this is a no-brainer but I love that a friend thought of it)
• Likes/wants marriage/family
• Affectionate (Will show affection in front of other people (Gotta love holding hands but doesn't need to go overboard with PDA)
• Loves me for me (Another basic one but I just had to add it to the list)
• Laid back (He doesn't freak out about the small stuff and can roll with the punches)
• Healthy ( Enjoys a healthy lifestyle)
• Understanding/Supportive/Open (Able to see things from other people's views)
• Handy (Can fix things)
• Worldly (Can't deal with with a home grown boy whose wanted to live in the same town all his life)
• Sporty (Enjoys sports and maybe can play a sport well)

FYI- The most popular traits were sense of humor, supportive, passion for life, understanding and honest. The most unique trait someone said was that he had to be a Republican!

One friend thought this was a harder question than the rest and she told me something that I thought was so true and sweet-

"Ahhhh that is the question. To be honest. There are no characteristics. It's all feelings and connections. Having a list will ruin the perfect guy. Be open to love, every kind of love. It's not supposed to make sense or fit a mold or list."

Another friend gave me this great quote. I absolutely love it and think it's totally true. Find me a guy who can do both and I'll marry him!

"I want a guy that can have hot dogs and beer at the baseball game during the day...then wine and dine me and take me to the Met at night."

Another friend told me the following. I love this friend dearly and I hate that she has had to go through heartbreak. I would really like to kick that dude's ass! For that matter, i would like to kick a lot of guys asses out there that have wronged my friends! Well, what can u do but live it and learn from it.

"It's hard to remain hopeful that someone like this exists (who isn't already married or gay!) I'm becoming more and more skeptical and almost cynical. I never used to be cynical...but I guess that's what heartbreak and disillusion get you!"

Next up, I'm going to ask my guy friends the same question!! Wish me luck!