The Call I'll Never Forget

"She got the call today. One out of the gray. And when the smoke cleared it took her breath away. She said she didn't believe this could happen to me. Guess we're all one phone call from our knees". -Mat Kearney

This week's Mama Kat's writing prompt that I chose was "A phone call you won't forget".

"Wait, what?! You want me to call her and tell her?! I...How? I can't do this....Tell her?.. Oh my God." This is what I said to the director of my parents school when he asked me to call my sister and tell her the devastating news that our parents had died but the cause of death was unknown. How the f**k was I going to do that? I didn't even understand it myself, how could I possibly explain it to her?

It was a Sunday night or rather 2AM on Monday morning. I just had a very fun and exciting first weekend living in Phoenix, Arizona. Two close college girlfriends had driven down from Tucson, to spend the weekend with me. Two long nights out in the Phoenix club scene ensued. Coupled with plenty of cocktails and not enough sleep, I was exhausted and ready for Monday. I had an exciting job interview at 10AM and was psyched to begin my new Phoenix adventure. Having just graduated from college, I felt more than ready to start this new chapter of my life. Little did I know that that very same weekend across the world in North Africa, my parents had died. It's an intense sentence. I still can't believe the words that come out of my mouth.

When the phone rang that awful night, I'll never forget the awful sinking feeling I had in the pit of my stomach. When I looked at my phone light up, I instantly knew it was an overseas call and I had a feeling it was from Tunisia, where my parents were living at the time. I quickly answered the call that was to be my worst nightmare. It was Patrick, the director of my parents school in Tunis. He proceeded to very calmly and rationally tell me that my parents had just been found in their home and they were "gone". Yes, "gone" was his word of choice.

Needless to say, I don't really remember much else about this conversation. All I knew is that he had my sister's wrong number so I was given the nearly impossible responsibility of breaking the news to her.

I had to call her.

My world was quickly plummeting to the ground. Now I had to be the one to change my sister, Tonya's world forever too.

After I hung up the phone, I mentally prepared myself to call Tonya. But I didn't want to be alone...ever again. I frantically picked up a Kleenex box off my kitchen table, my cell phone, a pad of paper, a pen and my keys. I walked out the door of my apartment building to my friend Tracy and Lindsey's apartment which was thankfully just down the hallway. Tracy was and still is my dear friend and I needed her at that moment. I'm not sure how I got there but I finally did. I banged on their front door. They answered it together and I'm sure they could tell by my flushed cheeks and disheveled appearance that something was very wrong. "My parents are gone.. I can't do this... What am I going to do now? They think my parents are dead," I managed to blubber out. The girls instantly started crying and asking me questions I didn't have the answers to yet. "I have to call Tonya and Todd now." Tracy asked if I wanted her to call them for me. I said no, I had to be the one to do it.

So, the three of us sat together on their living room couch, with me in the middle with their arms wrapped around me. I slowly breathed in and out a few times and thought of Tonya asleep in bed next to her husband of only three short months still happy and content in that world where I was too up until 20 minutes ago. I hated having to grab her from that wonderful world. But I had to.

There was certainly a part of me that couldn't handle being alone with this information any longer. I needed her. I needed my sister.

I dialed Tonya's number. She didn't answer. I called her husband Todd's cell phone. He answered. "Hi Todd. I'm sorry it's so late." He said, "That's OK Leah. What's wrong?" "Todd, I don't know how to say this... Something has happened. I need you and Tonya to both listen to me." I took a deep breath and fought back the tears. I took Tracy's hand with my free hand and held on tightly. "Mom and Dad have died. The director of their school just called me. They don't know anything..." I could hear the tears forming in Tonya and Todd's voices. I felt a small sense of relief. It was done, they knew. I wasn't alone anymore. I told them to call Patrick. He was expecting their call and would try answering their questions. Tonya said that she would call me back with more information. Before hanging up, she asked me to stay with Tracy and that she loved me very much. We were both hoping this wasn't true and that a massive misunderstanding had just happened. All I knew is that she would call Tunis and figure everything out. Our questions would soon be answered, at least some of them.

Hearing the news that my parents had died will always remain the worst moment of my life, but definitely the hardest thing that I've ever had to do was making that phone call and sharing this news with my sister and brother in-law. I hope she feels like I did as good of a job as anyone could do under the circumstances. I sometimes wonder if she would have rather heard it from someone else. I worry that whenever I call her, she is nervous that I'm calling to give her bad news. Would I have preferred to have heard this from her? I'm not really sure. A sad phone call is a sad phone call no matter who does the calling. If anything I wish that I could have somehow spared Tonya this new world without our parents just as she wishes she could have spared me from it.

Speechless

This week's Mama Kat's Writing Assignment that I chose was 1.) Write about a time a friend left you speechless.

It was the first year anniversary of my parents death. Looking back on the day now I can't even remember exactly what I did. It's all a blur to me. For some reason I wasn't with my sister. Thankfully, we now promise to always try to be together on this date but this October 15th, we were not.

All I remember about the day was getting a call from the office of my apartment building letting me know that there was a package waiting for me downstairs in the mail room. I was shocked. I wasn't expecting anything. I quickly went to retrieve it and rushed back up to apartment to open it.

It was a large square heavy box with no return address but my address had been handwritten and I could definitely recognize the handwriting. It was from my friend Tracy. I slowly opened it and could immediately tell that it was some kind of a scrapbook. It had a beautiful butterfly on the cover and if you know me at all, then you'll know that I love butterflies. As I began turning the pages, I realized that not only was it from Tracy but several of my other close girl friends too.


They had all contributed a page or two to this beautiful scrapbook. Each page was full of pictures of my friends and I together, collages of magazine cutouts of things they knew I liked, thoughtful poems and friendship quotes and sweet letters. So many memories of these cherished friendships filled this scrapbook.



Tears formed in my eyes as I scanned the pages and began reading the letters tucked into the clear covers around each page. I was left utterly speechless. No one had ever done something so incredibly kind for me in my life and I didn't know what to say. It had been such a hard day for me and knowing that I would have to endure many more year anniversaries of my parents deaths felt impossible. Just as I was feeling my lowest and most alone in the world, this heartfelt gift arrived and I suddenly didn't feel so alone anymore.

The Horizon

Another gift my roommate and I received from Oprah's Favorite Things episode was a book by Mark Nepo called "The Book of Awakening". I gave mine away but I finally had some time recently to skim through Gina's copy. The book is a day by day guide to being present in the life you have. Each day has an insightful quote followed by a connecting story and then a few tips for the reader to achieve whatever message that day has.

When I glanced through the book, it was December 19th so I of course went straight straight to that date.

The quote was "As someone sitting beneath a tree can imagine the earth from above the trees, a heart encumbered by reality can know eternity."
The writer, Nepo goes on to explain that during rough seas, sailors go up to the deck of their ships in order to avoid getting sea sick. They stare out at the horizon and eventually feel better. Looking far ahead of them eases their stomachs and also their minds. Nepo continues to say that this way of thinking is so important in our daily lives. I couldn't agree more with this belief. However, it can be incredibly difficult to look beyond the initial pain or failure and see the light at the end of the very dark tunnel.

"Whether facing cancer or riding the insecurity of repeated rejection or trying to surmount the most profound moments of loneliness, my greatest pains and fears have been lessened when I've managed to keep the largest sense of life before me like a horizon." -Mark Nepo

After my parents died just over 3 years ago, I really didn't think too highly of my future. It was so difficult for me to look at the bigger picture and see beyond my immense sadness. I dreaded waking up each morning to find them still gone. I constantly wondered how I would ever be happy again. When on earth would I laugh and be 'ok' with this intense loss of my mom and dad? Somehow, little by little, day by day, month by month and year by year, I've started to look at my horizon a lot more. I'm a big planner and thus I have planned a lot of fun and exciting things in my life. Coming to the realization that I really have so much to look forward to in my life and wonderful people to do it all with has gotten me through many dark days.

Perhaps my horizon is a little cloudy some days but it still is definitely intact and will continue to grow brighter every day. I hope you look to your own horizon every day and let it guide you out of the bad moments in life.

Overwhelmed with Blogging

For the first time since I started blogging almost a year ago, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all. For starters, I'm not sure why, but I feel pressured to write a new exciting post everyday. I've certainly stayed up way later than I should in order to get a new post up on my blog for the next morning. When I do occasionally skip a day or two, I always feel guilty. I almost feel like I didn't turn in my homework or something... Weird, right?! Why do I do this to myself?! UGH! Ok, I'm an interesting gal and do a lot of awesome things here in LA but come on, there are days when it's hard to post something. I don't do something cool every single day. Perhaps, I have totally unrealistic expectations... Maybe I should only blog when the mood strikes me or I do something uber LA fabulous. Right? What do you think? What do you as my wonderful followers want to read about? As a blogger, when do post? If you are posting something everyday, how do you find the time?

I'm also struggling with finding the time to comment on all the blogs I follow too. There are so many amazing, funny, inspiring, sweet and crazy blogs out there that I adore reading but I just don't have the time to read them all. How can I possibly keep up with them all? How do you keep up? What are the tricks of the trade?

Whew! Well, it definitely felt good getting this off my chest and blogging about it. There, now Tuesday's post is done and I can go to bed now! Haha! : )

When Private Goes Public

This week's Mama Kat's Writing Assignment that I chose to write about is Why are you burned out?

How personal is too personal for a blog? Where is that invisible line that shows us when we've divulged too much information? What exactly is off limits? Should our blogs be solely about our own lives or can we talk about other people? Our friends, our families and our co-workers? Do we have to ask permission from these people in our lives? Don't we have to care how other people are going to be affected by what we discuss on our blogs? And what about free speech? Is that really all that this is about?

Since starting my blog back in January, I have struggled with all of these questions. I think I have done my best to make sure that I am never revealing too much about anyone other than myself. I've made sure that each posting that talks about my friends or family is kind-hearted and doesn't rub anyone the wrong way. Most importantly, I have vowed to never paint anyone in a negative light on my blog. Simply put, this blog about ME and my life. Sure, there have been some rough days where I wanted to talk about how mad I was at this person or how annoying this other person was being. However, I stopped myself from going through with it. I knew those words could have potentially been hurtful to those people.
On 3 separate occasions, my roommate has asked me to remove a line or two from a post because she thought it revealed too much about our home address. She is particularly careful about stuff like that. Despite the fact that sometimes I disagree with her, I still immediately delete those sentences she was unhappy with. This was not a problem at all for me. I would NEVER put my blog before the people in my life. Sorry to say but my blog will never take priority in my life.

Another issue to deal with is the fact that many of my close friends and family read this blog. How awful would one of them feel if they had to read on my blog how I felt about them. Personally, I would hate that. Not only is it TMI but it's also none of the blogging communities business. Am I right? Putting something like the inner-workings or the problems in your relationships for all the world to see just seems so detached and juvenile. Why not reach out to that person instead and work it out between the two of you face to face? There is definitely no need to publically slander them or your relationship with them.

Perhaps it comes down to why we all started our personal blogs in the first place. We are sharing makeup tips, college help, mothering advice, daily humorous anecdotes, diet tips, amazing shopping finds or in my case my adventures here in LA. I know for certain that we have all struggled to find the perfect balance of too much information and just enough to interest our readers. When too much information starts to hurt and really negatively affect other people, it's just not worth it.

I'm burnt out from all this.

Something that recently struck me is how we take for granted people's wishes when it comes to our blogs. Everything SHOULD NOT be up for grabs. If I tell you not to disclose something and you do it anyway, knowing full well I'm not going to be happy, what does this say about you? It's a complete lack of respect and a full dismissal of someone's feelings. Why do that? Sure, you may feel strongly about something but this does not give you the right to publicize it. There are other ways.

When did our blogs become our platform to tell the world how we feel about each other? We need to step down from our soapboxes and really understand how our actions or in this case, our words, affect other people. We should remember that a blog is public knowledge on the internet. I really think we all need to be more self-aware and sensitive to other people's feelings. It's time to put our egos aside and truly focus on what's important and good in the world instead of putting others down.

So, if you ever see something on my blog that makes you feel embarrassed, hurt or angry, please tell me. I'll respect you enough to remove it. Free speech means nothing when you are hurting people you care about.

Alright, I'll stop this long-winded rant but I really do believe all this and felt that I needed to get it off my chest. In the end, blogging is all about sharing our lives with friends, family and our new blogging world. With this comes the moral responsibility to be cautious and aware of how we express ourselves. I think that this balance can most definitely be achieved.

Here's to more future self-aware bloggers out there.

Moving Words

"Be Bold, Be Brief, Be Gone" -Major Megan McClung

This haunting inscription is on her gravestone at the Arlington Cemetery.

I encourage all my readers to read the following posting from the blog, The Unknown Soldiers. At tonight's closing ceremony of the Military Blog Conference, the writer of this blog won an award. Specifically, his posting on Major Megan McClung really touched me. She was the first female U.S Marine Officer killed in action during the Iraqi war. In just 34 years she accomplished more than most people will in their entire lifetimes. I am in awe of her tremendous bravery and strength and will definitely be visiting her headstone on Monday. Thank you Tom Sileo for educating me on this amazing woman and the countless other unknown soldiers. I think we can learn so much from all their lives. I hope to be a little better everyday because of their actions.

While I may not know a lot about the war and am honestly not happy we got involved in the first place, I can still appreciate all the men and woman who have gone to Iraq and Afghanistan. They have selflessly given so much and I am honored to have met a few of these incredible people this weekend. May all those overseas now be protected and feel our support from home.