Broken But Hopeful Hearts

A close friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend. They were together for over two years and it's literally torn her world a part. I wish so badly that I could stop her pain and give this boy a serious beating. But it's just not possible for me to do either of those things.

I've had many friends break up with their boyfriends before and they've leaned on me for support but never has it affected me like this. Of course I'm always angry at these guys and long to mend my friends' broken hearts.

Yet, this time feels different. Perhaps, it's because we are older and these couples aren't silly and cavalier anymore. They are serious, mature relationships where future plans are often discussed. My heart aches for this friend whenever we talk on the phone. There's a sadness in me that I haven't felt quite before. Unfortunately she does not live anywhere near me so we must communicate via phone only. I'm in the process of mailing her something special though.

What have I learned from all this? Well, it has really got me thinking of what exactly I want in my soul mate. Yep, I am currently single and dating. By the way, dating in LA is tough..more on that subject in another post. So, several months ago, I asked my friends what they wanted in their perfect man and women. These lists were kind of silly and pretty unrealistic and I didn't mention specifically what things I wanted in a guy so without further delay, here is my list:

• Someone who won't just text me.
• On that note, write me old fashioned love letters every once in a while!
• I'd like him to want to communicate with me everyday but not necessarily need to. Plus, some days all I need is a quick hello.
• Someone who won't play any games with me. I don't understand them and have no time for any of that nonsense.
• Plan some of the dates too. Don't leave it all up to me.
  
• Someone who will pay our dinner bills, at least in the beginning of our courtship. I'm all for splitting it later or even picking up the check entirely.
• Open doors, pull out chairs-you know, its called chivalry! Learn it! I think a lot of the guys of my generation have forgotten what this is all about.
• Dance. Ok, I understand that not all guys enjoy dancing but at least try a little for me.
  
• Remember things about myself that I tell you and then ask me about them later. I am constantly asking questions so I expect a similar respect from my partner.
• I will compliment you when I first see you, so please do the same for me.
• When we get fairly serious, ask me to meet your family.
• If you get the pleasure of meeting my friends, actively be interested in them and getting to know them better. My friends are my family so they better approve of you.
• While we are on the subject of friends, consider yourself lucky when you've gotten to meet a few of them.
• Again, after we've been together for awhile, ask me about my parents. If I care about you, I'll want to share things about them with you.
• Be passionate about things in your life.
  
• Can you simply woo me?!

I'm sure there are lots of other traits and characteristics that I look for in a guy but these are the things that have been on my mind lately.

If my friend doesn't get back together with this boyfriend, then I hope with all heart and soul that the next guy has all these qualities and much much more. She is definitely precious cargo. : )

Guys and Girls: Friends!?

I don't understand why it's so hard for guys to believe that girls and guys can be just friends. What's the deal? If you are guy reading this, please tell me do you feel this way? We are both human and not everyone is attracted to each other but still may get along great, thus, the makings for a perfect friendship. Right?

I have two amazing good guy friends and several others whom I adore and would never ever want to be in any other capacity than the friend zone with them. If they have to crash at my place, I'll let them sleep in my bed with me, I'd probably undress in front of them if it comes to that (not sure why), we can talk about anything and everything, etc...

So, what exactly got me on this topic? Well this afternoon a friend emailed the following and it got me thinking about the issue and thought I should take it to the blog. It's absolutely ridiculous to me that her friends didn't understand that a girl and a guy could just SLEEP in the same bed together and not get busy.

Ok, here's the back story: My friend let one of her GUY FRIENDS spend the night at her place so he didn't have to drive drunk the 30 miles home. How nice of her, right? The next morning, they were spotted leaving her home and some of the guys she worked with were giving her a hard time about it.

Here is their conversation:
Friend: We all know Gannaway stayed the night
Her: Yes, but nothing happened
Another Friend: So, you are telling us that you slept together and nothing happened?
Her: That is one thing that took me a while to get used to when I moved here. In AZ my girl and guy friends stayed the night at one another's places all the time and nobody ever assumed anything happened.
Another Friend: So are your guy friends gay?
Her: No
Friend: Were they ugly?
Her: No, they're actually relatively attractive
Friend: (looking perplexed): So they were just cool like that?
Her: (annoyed): Yeah
Another Friend: (still perplexed) I guess you are kind of chatty so maybe a guy could have something in common with you other than sex.

What do you think about all of this? Oh, this is weird, I just went to look for a picture for this post on Google images and I typed in "friendships" and all I got were a bunch of pictures of women! What's that about?! Apparently Google doesn't think that men and women can just be friends either.... : ( Guess this post just won't have a picture then....

Celebrating Love

Today my sister and her husband have been married 3 years! Woo hoo! They have been through so much in three short years but have overcome it all and are doing pretty darn awesome today. I know I do this all the time but whatever, her blog is just too sweet not to share with you..check out her blog for today's darling post about her husband and their relationship thus far, Letters for Lucas. Well, happy third anniversary you two! I love you both very much and I look forward to sharing many more wonderful memories together.

It got me thinking about love and how you know you are with the person that you are going to be with forever? Forever is a really really long time. I have trouble keeping the furniture in my room in the same position for too long... Yikes! I know they all say that when you meet the right person, you'll just know, but what if you don't? What if you never get that feeling? Or what if you just never that person? Then what? I suppose the entire dating process to get to that point is fun and by fun I mean frustrating, complicated, and certainly at times absolutely wonderful. Go ahead and call me a hopeless romantic.

So last month, I wrote the following letter to my nephew to put on my sister's blog so I thought that this would be a perfect time to share it on my blog seeing as this is what I'm talking about today. Enjoy!

Dear Lucas,

So, what exactly does it mean to be the "perfect guy"? It’s kind of funny for me to think about you and dating right now but you are not going to be a little guy forever and will eventually be interested in the ladies. Having said that, there’s no rush at all. You have your whole life to stress about girls and learn what makes women tick. Take your time and enjoy the process of meeting your Ms. Right.

Okay, so there’s no beating around the bush, dating can be tough. In fact, maintaining a solid relationship is tough too. It’s all tough. While dating can be complicated and frustrating and at times exhausting, it can be incredible too. When you find someone whom you want to spend your time with and whom you have more than just ‘friend’ feelings towards, it can be one of the best feelings in the world. When you are really involved, everything just feels better. Food tastes yummier, colors are brighter and even music sounds more amazing. I can’t explain it but this all really does happen. I can’t wait until you experience all this for the first time. There is nothing like your first love. So, please call your aunt and fill her in!

Of course you have to consider yourself lucky when that person you care for, cares for you right back. Trust me, so far in my dating life, I’ve had numerous crushes but maybe only a couple guys have actually reciprocated those feelings back at me. It can be very sad and certainly a self-esteem killer, but like the saying goes, there are a lot of fish in the sea.

Now I’m sure your mom and dad have already told you all this or you have picked it up somewhere else no doubt, but a month or so ago I created the ultimate “Perfect Guy” list, so I thought that I would share a few things I learned from my research. While compiling this list may have been fun, it’s really not that practical. There are really no set characteristics girls need to have in their perfect guy. It's all feelings and connections. Having a list will ruin all that. We just need to make sure that we are open to love, every kind of love. It's really not supposed to make sense or fit a mold or a list. Another thing to keep in mind is that most girls just want a guy who can have hot dogs and beers at a baseball game during the day...then wine and dine them at the Met later at night. Personally, I love a guy who can make me laugh. An awesome sense of humor is very important to me. You are already cracking me up at just a year old so I’m sure you’ll be good on that.

To Text or not to Text?

According to Wikipedia, text messaging refers to the exchange of brief written messages between mobile and portable devices. It however doesn't describe just how massively popular texting has become in today's relationships. Without getting super personal, I will say that I have been known to text in a lot of my relationships. I've also been hearing many of my friends talk about all the texting going on with the guys they are dating and even their boyfriends. So, I decided to ask my friends what their thoughts were on texting in relationships. Like most topics, I see both sides of the argument and found it very interesting to hear the thoughts of my very smart friends. Below were the best responses I received on this heated debate:

• "Texting is a hinderance. Period. Guys have become too shy or awkward to talk on the telephone, everything is misconstrued, and it just causes drama. Moral of the story - adult conversations don't happen through text. So grow up and give me a call, or don't contact me at all. You have to cut off the texting, make up some excuse about how you've run over your plan so if he wants to talk to you he has to call... If a guy likes you, he's going to make that effort. Texting is lazy, and is for losers. Plus, he could be sending the same kinds of texts OR the exact same texts to other girls... Train them from the beginning, otherwise you'll never get rid of that behavior."

• "1) If you text me to ask for the first date, I will not go. Grow a pair of balls and call. 2) Never ever attempt sarcasm in a text message with the person you are dating, no good can come of it. 3) If you are angry or I am angry call. My boyfriend and I used to get in text message arguments that would last days. I have absolutely refused to do anything so idiotic again in my life. 4) Don't be clingy, texting me 10 times a day is just as bad as calling 10 times a day. The only acceptable reason to text 10 times is if I ask a question and you are replying. Most text message exchanges should go like this 1)Invite 2) Details (if I ask) 3) Time and if you are picking me up 4) Be there in 5 minutes 5) Here. Very rarely is there ever a need for more. I would say most girls wouldn't mind a 6th saying looking forward to seeing you but that is not necessary every time."

• "What has texting done for your relationships and in the general dating world? Texting has taken the chivalry from dating. It is the most effortless way to reach out to someone yet often the most relied upon. Texting should be used with people who are already familiar and in a relationship, for a means of letting them know you’re thinking of them or to confirm a meeting place or time. Sadly these days when just getting to know someone texting is often the only option offered, and extremely impersonal. It provides a wall of security for daters as a text does not take much effort, so if ignored it is not as big of a blow to the ego if ignored, versus say a phone call. But a text does not tell you anything about a person as they are just words."

• "Is this texting frenzy helping or hindering these guys you are dating? Hurting – you cannot get to know someone over a text. I used to never respond to a guy who texted first without calling, now I have a three text rule, I will allow three texts from him but after that if he doesn’t pick up the phone and call he’s out."

• "So, texting can be good and evil, like all forms of communication---you can actually use it to communicate or you can use it to mis-communicate. But some things make texting especially vexing: that it's written means you can't discern intonation and emotion easily. The character limit and the difficulty of phone-typing can make for messages that seem curt, hurried, even rude, or at least distant (on the opposite end, they can seem over the top affectionate, too, if they're filled with i love yous and shit). The fact that it beeps and arrives instantly makes it seem potentially aggressive. Because of the ease of texting i think it's often overused--keeping people overly connected, overly involved with each others lives than perhaps they would be were the relationship progressing at its "natural" pace, whatever that means. There's also little in the way of text etiquette, which means it's kind of a minefield, especially if two people disagree on the nature of texting. Is it to be considered more urgent than an email? Because it beeps, should i answer it right away? Or as soon as possible? When is it an acceptable substitute for/preferred method over phone or email? (and this becomes a complicated question for people who receive email on their phones). When is it ok to start texting someone regularly? Is it less or more intimate than emailing or phoning someone? And there are all the questions of content: how formal should i be in my language (particularly a question for blackberry and iphone and android etc users, for whom its easier to type)? Do i use emoticons and slang because that's texting norm, or is it immature? Aaaalllllll that said, i like texting, because i'm a quick typist, because texting is a nice medium between phones and emails in the early part of dating, and i really hate phone calls. texting eliminates the suspense of the phone call (ie, you dont know WHY he's calling and maybe need to have a lie/excuse/alternate plan/date idea/expression of enthusiasm/flirtatious line ready). It also substitutes for the dullest of phone calls (to plan where/when to meet, to say good morning or good night, to ask if someone's free tonight). I also especially like sexting. it's less intimate and demanding than either phone or cyber sex, and has fewer whorish/1-900/late night basic cable ad/pedophilic associations."

• "I think the popularity of texting is a sign of the crumbling of civilization! No commitment or risk in sending all these quickie messages. It's sad."