Friday, September 24, 2010


I was very hesitant to get out of bed this morning. Very rarely do I dream about my parents so when I do, it jolts me. I can't really explain it but it really kicks me in the ass after I wake up from a dream with them in it.

This one was particularly unsettling because of how real parts of it felt. Even now, I can vividly remember what I saw, how my dad's hair smelt, what I touched and what it felt like to wrap my arms around my mother.

Here's a brief summary of what happened:

My sister, Tonya and I were hanging out in San Diego when suddenly we both starting feeling strange things, not exactly sure what, but we both felt the urge to get back to our parents house in Arizona. So, we hopped on a plane and headed to their empty house.

Once we were there, there were strange signs all over the house that someone had been there; suitcases were in a closet, a couple things were in the fridge, the garage door was up, our mom's favorite chair was sitting in the living room, my dad's grill was out back ready to be used, etc...

So, needless to say, we were totally freaked out by all this. Then out of the blue, some of my old high school friends appeared at the house and were acting really odd and seemed to be keeping something from us. At one point, we all got up and went to a restaurant for dinner. Once we were there, everyone was still acting so strange and wouldn't tell me what was going on. Suddenly, Tonya and I were being led into someones apartment and we were told to wait in the living room for something. We waited for what felt like hours but were really only moments.

Then there was a knock at the door and my mom and dad were standing in the doorway with the biggest smiles on their faces. My mom had tears rolling down her cheeks.

Words can't express how I felt. I was euphoric and shocked and exhilarated all at the same time. Tonya and I immediately ran to them and hugged them together. Our dad just kept repeating over and over, "I'm so sorry we left, I'm so sorry we left, I'm so sorry we left".

Now for the intense images I remember; I kissed my dad's cheek and could taste the aftershave he used that morning, his hair smelt oily and fresh and his cologne was light but still there. My mom's embrace felt so warm and her face was soft as she rubbed her nose against mine. She couldn't even get words out because she was crying so much. This is what is so hard, this part felt so real. It just didn't feel like a dream. How could something that felt so real be a dream?

I sort of recall asking them why they left Tonya and I? How could do they do something like this to us? Why did they have to fake their deaths? But I woke up and never got to hear their answers. Then for about an hour, I stayed in bed and tried falling back asleep. I wanted to fall back into that dream with them but of course that never happens. I swear some days, I would much rather stay asleep and pretend they are alive and well than be alive in a world where they don't.

Who knows why I dream about them when I do and why don't I more often. I know it's useless to look for meaning in all that. All I know is that while I do love seeing them and hugging them in my dreams, it makes waking up to my reality all the more harder.


  1. Hey babe, I tried calling you, but didn't get you. It's so weird that you posted this today because we were talking about this exact thing in the teacher's lounge today. And while the ladies were sharing their stories all I could think about was you and your parents. One thing one of the teachers said was that their dad came back to them when they really needed him...they dreamt about him, saw him on the streets, but could never talk to him. I've been so emotional today, and reading your post just made me bawl. Listening to my co-workers in the lounge and thinking of your parents and you has left me feeling so raw today. I hope you're hanging in there. I wish I could be with you to hug you and cry with you. I hope you don't think it's inappropriate to share this on the blog. I just wanted to share my feelings. I love you SO much Leah. You are the strongest person I know, so hang in there. And yes, I'll see in Feb. for my birthday!!!

  2. I'm really sorry about your parents. I have dreams like this too, and I do look for meaning because I do feel like they are trying to tell me something.

  3. Emily, your comment really touched me and I am grateful for having you in my life. That is pretty weird that just today you were talking about this stuff at school. I wish we loved next door to each other so often-I would love one of great bear hugs! Can't wait for Feb and possibly even a Dec visit too!
    Jackie, I would love to figure out what my parents are trying to tell me in my dreams.. Is there a book for that?

  4. It must have been a very emotional dream, it must be terrible to have lost your parents. I hate when you wake up from a dream you want to be in and can't get back to it! Thanks for visiting my blog too, btw

  5. I'm sorry you had such a rough night. The dreams are bittersweet. On the one hand, it's nice to "see" them in any way but on the other, you always wake up.

    I haven't seen Mom & Dad in my dreams in long long time.

    It would be interesting to see what their message to you might be.