Friday, March 26, 2010

It's Bittersweet

Yesterday in Palm Springs was really nice and it was just wonderful getting to see Leslie and her family. Despite my horrendous experience at the DMV (I won't bore you with that awful experience, just believe me, it was terrible) and leaving LA much later then I had anticipated, I had such a pleasant little visit with the Brennan family in Palm Springs. I was only there with them from 4 pm Thursday to 8 am Friday, so not long at all. Yet, they were all so kind and hospitable to me. We hung out at their hotel for awhile, Leslie's mom made a batch of yummy margaritas and Leslie and I caught up on each other lives. Then at night, we went out for Mexican food. We all crashed for the night pretty early which was totally fine by me. It had been a stressful day for with the DMV adventure and all so I was ready to get to bed early. I really do enjoy spending time with my friends and their families. There's nothing quite like it, usually you get to see them at their most comfortable. With most of my friends, they become super laid back and extra relaxed around their parents. It's nice to see them this way but it makes me miss that feeling that I got around my parents too. I still feel this way around my sister though. : ) It's bittersweet.

There was a part of me that couldn't help but be incredibly sad and jealous that Leslie gets to spend time with her boyfriend and family altogether. I'll never get that chance. My parents will never be able to bond with my boyfriend. Her bf, Charlie, gets along really well with her parents and I overheard them talk about future trips to take together. It hurt a little to see him watch a March Madness basketball game with Leslie's dad. My dad loved watching sports and he would have loved to watch a game with my boyfriend. I am so sad that my parents will never get the chance to joke with my husband and tease me together. I guess I'm just sad that this guy will never know my parents. He will just have to take my word that my parents were two very awesome people and they they would have been amazing in-laws. I wonder if my friends even think about things like this... Do they know how lucky they are to have these precious moments still to come with their significant others and their parents? I don't even think I thought about it much before my parents died. Despite these sad emotions that come along with being with my friends and their parents, there's also much joy too. Because I don't have my parents anymore, I really look forward to being with their parents. I enjoy talking to them about things that my parents would have wanted to discuss. It's bittersweet.

It's still hard sometimes to hear a friend on the phone catching up with their mom or dad or hearing parents chat with their children about something funny they did as a baby or hearing parents tell their wedding day story for the millionth time. I don't get to have those moments anymore and it breaks my heart. I would give anything right now to call my dad and tell him how frustrated I am with the job search and get his words of wisdom or to go shopping at a fancy LA mall with my mom. Heck, we would probably break for a movie even.. : ) It's probably strange for people on the outside to understand, but I honestly do sometimes get so busy with stuff going on in my life that I forget that my parents are gone. Then when I remember, it's like a hard slap in the face. And I'll think, damn, how did I not think about them today or what brought on this tears all of a sudden? I will be sad that I've gone however long without thinking of it but I'm also thankful for those hours of relief. It's bittersweet.

I'm in San Diego now with my sister and Lucas. My brother in-law is out of town and Tonya asked me to come stay for the weekend. I was more than happy to oblige. I love coming here and I love seeing Lucas even more. The drive is not bad at all from LA (I came straight from Palm Springs this time) and it would be worth it even if it was a long drive. Lucas started crawling last night so it''s very exciting! These are the moments that life is all about. I wish my parents were here to see all this. They are missing out on so much and it's just not fair. I want them to be here for Lucas, and for Tonya and for my children and for me. But I suppose that I have to just be content in the thought that they are here in some way. My thoughts on the after life and religion will have to go in another post. Perhaps one of these days Lucas will do something so sweet and amazing that I'll just have to believe that my parents are around... that too will be bittersweet.


  1. I am sorry that you didn't get to spend more time with Leslie and her family because the DMV experience was such a disaster.

    I know exactly what you mean about witnessing others with their families. I, too wonder and hope that they are enjoying it to the fullest.

    It was wonderful to have you here this weekend. I love you very much and appreciate everything you do to help me with Lucas.

    Don't worry, I'll watch March Madness games with your boyfriend. someday and I'll be sure to tell him all about Daddy, too. xoxo

  2. P.S. I LOVE this picture of you and LMW, please send it to me. :)

  3. Aww Leah, what a touching post. I can't imagine what it must feel like, when the seemingly most simple things can spark you to remember your parents and miss them. It must be really hard sometimes. Appreciating family is a funny thing. The older I get, the more I appreciate my parents and get frustrated with those people who take theirs for granted. I hope I never do. I'm so envious of friends in NY that get to see their parents all the time. They don't know how lucky they are to be able to drop by their parents' place anytime they feel like it. I just ache for my family sometimes and have to lean on my "NY family" to support me. It's all relative of course, but I understand how you must feel. I can't ever put myself exactly in your shoes, but heartache is heartache, I think! I hope amidst some of the sadness you felt, you found some sense of calm and happiness being around my family - I know they really like you and think the world of you and what a wonderful person you are. We talked a lot about you before you came and everyone was really excited to catch up with you. So you have a lot of love aiming your way from the Brennans :) Anyway, it was so wonderful to see you. Way too short. Love you. xoxox

  4. Leah, I love you so much! Your post was so poignant and touching. It made me cry, thinking of your parents and all the love and amazing things they're missing; and to imagine how you feel. You are the strongest person I know, Leah. I cannot imagine all the sadness you've felt, and I just hope that you know and feel my love. Your parents were my second set of parents in Burma, and I loved them! They were so generous, funny, loving and caring. Your mom's students had so many good things to say about her, and your dad? He was the best coach ISY saw, from what I hear! I am so excited for you to come to Moon Lake with my family and I hope that you're able to share memories of your parents with my parents. I hope that we're able to have fun, laugh, and maybe cry together. Moon Lake is such a special place to me, and I am beyond ecstatic that you'll be there to share it with me. You're the first friend of mine to come up there! I'm sorry if I sound sappy. I just wanted you to know that your post really touched me and made me reflective. I love you!