It's Fathers Day. It's one of those days since my parents died that I just dread. I try not to think too much about it but I can't help it. It's hard not be bombarded with reminders everywhere... commercials, fathers day cards, all the facebook statuses, etc... My dad was an amazingly sweet and kind man. He had the biggest heart and was an extremely hard worker.
Sometimes I really hate my dreams. Most of the time they feel like a cruel slap in the face. I know that my subconscious is just messing with me but it still hurts every time I wake up from a dream where they were alive and happy. In last week's mom and dad dream, a random stranger was telling me that I need to stop denying the truth and that they were never coming back. What a jerk. Seriously, did I really need to have a dream like that to understand that. Trust me, I know that very well already. Ugh. But what can you do? I wake up, get out of bed and put the pieces together again and simply go about my day like normal.
I hate the way the smallest and the most random things make me think of my parents and completely break me down. It is so hard to explain what this feels like... it's really like a slap in the face and a knife into my heart. One minute I will be totally fine and not thinking of them at all and then I'll do something or see something that makes me think of them and then it's all over and I am caught up in the grieving process again.
I know that I haven't completed it yet and I doubt that I'll ever be done with it. Nor do I want to be able to ever say that I am done grieving for my parents. I don't want to ever be done feeling that they are truly gone. Will there ever be a moment when I can look at a picture of them and just be content? Will I ever be able to listen to one of their songs and just smile? When will I be able to think of my dad's voice or be able to talk about the intense friendship I had with my mom without tearing up? When will I be ok with this hole in my heart? And tell me, when will I stop feeling guilty for having amazing days? Yes, I still do sometimes. I still find myself checking with myself to make sure it's ok that I'm smiling and laughing and enjoying whatever I'm doing. Something tells me that that will never go away.
Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish every father, past, present and future a wonderful fathers day!